25 Things

Here are 25 things about me:

1. I have delicate, feminine hands
2. Sometimes when I laugh, I annoy even myself
3. If it was possible to OD on Diet Coke, I would
4. This is why I do not drink alcohol as I believe I would surely become a wino in the gutter
5. I worked at Chick-fil-A all through high school and during college breaks - back when Doodles was the mascot. Yes, I was Doodles
6. Lately I wake up feeling extremely fat (like a whale) or extremely thin (like a supermodel) and never anything in between
7. I do not eat broccoli
8. I used to drive a pick-up truck - and I loved it.
9. I am not a redneck
10. I do not drink coffee
11. I have never fallen down a well
12. I have never been convicted of a crime
13. I love a man named Ryan
14. Once I jammed my elbow up into my wrist and had to wear a sling
15. I like to think I'm good at basketball, even though I'm not
16. I do not watch football, nor do I care to
17. I have lived in Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi and Maine
18. I lived in Maine for 7 days
19. One summer I was a house painter by day, and a bookstore clerk by night. People at the bookstore always wondered why I had white paint streaks in my hair.
20. Lately I find it hard to be inspired about anything other than my own personal agenda
21. I just bought a house with my fiance, Ryan
22. I worry that relatives I don't particularly enjoy will want to frequently stay at our new house and I will have to come up with a polite way to say "no way in hell" - then I worry whether or not that would be considered cursing
23. I'm getting married in 110 days
24. I worry that I might never get out of my faith-slump
25. Writing this random list has made me aware that I am
a) boring
b) wasteful with my time
c) unconcerned about the things that should be concerning me most
Nivah asked if I wanted to join our small group with another group of two girls, thereby making it a group of four. She said it might be a good way to help us grow, be accountable, get a different perspective. My immedaite reaction was "NO! I DON'T WANNA!" I told her I would think about it. Then today my friend Lori sent me an essay she had written about wanting to strip away all the extra faith fluff and really get down to what God is about. It made me blush, realizing that I want to strip away all the extra faith fluff and just avoid God altogether. What does this make me? Who have I become? I currently feel no desire to grow or pursue or try. I just want to be left alone, to live my life the way I want to live it. Yes, I know this is a catastrophic statement that would make my mother cry out in agony. But I'm just being honest. I don't neccessarily want to feel this way - but I do. Am I just selfish? Do other people really have a longing to pursue God? Or are they just afraid to admit that it's sometimes a hassle.
OK, and yes. When I think about the gospel, the true story of what Christ did, I want to die a thousand deaths for being so small and menial and gross. So here I am, in a constant state of knowing the truth and knowing what I should do and feel - and doing and feeling the way that I currently do. It's a strange place. I feel like someone else - not myself. I would never want anyone to know this true side of me for fear of it becoming true. I guess I think if I don't tell anyone, then I'm still a good Christian like I should be. But all my Sunday school learnin' has at least taught me this - God knows my heart. Even when I don't ask Him to search it - He knows it. What must He think of me?