Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Faces that Heal

Remember this? Even though I haven't exactly been forthcoming with all the details (still too personal for me to divulge) you should know, the problem hasn't gotten any better. It's been almost a year and it's starting to really weigh on me. Starting me to make me feel a little insane. I think about it every single day. It's upsetting to me every single moment. A hidden pain I carry with me everywhere I go.
And sweet Ryan...he's amazing. I couldn't ask for anyone sweeter or more amazing. I truly don't desrve him and his wonderfulness.
There's nothing quite like a girlfriend's face to right some serious wrongs. I played Bunco tonight which is really just a ruse to get together with my friends. None of them knew what a hard weekend I had. None of them knew that on Sunday I cried more than I've cried in a long time. I haven't really talked to anyone lately about this darkness. This pit in my stomach. This pain and this worry.
But their faces.....
They light me up inside. They make me forget my troubles, even if only for an evening. And you can't replace that or bottle that or even expect that. It's always a surprise. Always a joy. And I can get through one more day because of their faces. Their eyes and their smiles. Their voices and their arms that are always open for me.
Such friends I have....the kind of friends who rescue me without even knowing it.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Old Navy: Tastes Like Chicken

I went to Old Navy today to get Ryan some new work pants and I noticed......
90% of the people shopping in the crowded store were already wearing clothes from Old Navy. Some of them were even shopping racks with the same shirt they were wearing. As someone possesing an inner homing device that forces me to buy white t-shirts and black t-shirts by the overflowing closet-full, I'm not here to judge, just to observe. As I waited in line to buy Ryan's pants (and a new shirt for me...in BLUE!!) the woman behind me noted to her friend, "They have such nice clothes at such reasonable prices!" She was wearing a green Old Navy shirt and buying the same shirt again - one in pink and one in black. As a child, I remember thinking that in the future we would have flying cars, robot servants and a national uniform - all walking around wearing the same thing everyone else was wearing. Today I realized...the future is now man, the future is now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Reason #38

Reason #38 Why Perfect Ryan is Sometimes a PUNK:

Backstory - I have been cleaning the house tonight for two hours.
Backstory B - Yesterday Ryan replaced some lightbulbs in the kitchen

Tonight when Ryan got home - tonight after I had been cleaning the house for two hours to avoid watching Lost so we could watch it together once he got home - Ryan said....

"Man, those new lightbulbs sure make it look clean in here."




The Idols
Paula's Drunken Dancing
The Awards
Seeing the little cowboy dude again
Mary J. Blige
The Moms and Dads
Especially Elliot's Mom and Katharine's Dad
Toni Braxton?? What??
Puck and Pickler
The Clay Aiken dude freaking out about seeing Clay Aiken
David Hasslehoff crying
Taylor Hicks winning


Monday, May 22, 2006

Why I Shouldn't Have Gotten Out of Bed This Morning:

-Almost to the minute that Ryan and I booked our anniversary trip to Vegas, some idiot slammed into Ryan's car and we now have to shell out $1,000 to get it fixed
-Almost to the minute that Ryan and I booked our anniversary trip to Vegas, some idiot forgot to rotate her tires and now she has dangerously thin front tires and needs to get them replaced in the next 30 seconds or else
-It's rainy for the 100th day in a row (and I have bald tires that love to slip-slide in the rain)
-Almost to the minute that Ryan and I booked our anniversary trip to Vegas, some idiot caused the power to go out in our neighborhood and now the power won't go back on in our bedroom or bathroom
-After tonight I will have to wait at least seven months to see Jack Bauer save the city/country/world and point a gun in the President's face demanding justice. It's just not right.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Meme A Lema Ding Dong

Here is a Meme.

Accent: Tall Southern woman. I say fixin’, ya’ll and when asked if I want sweeturun, I take sweet please.

Booze: I don’t drink the spirits but sometimes I wish I did so I could come home after a long day and have a “cocktail” in a glamorous glass with an umbrella in it. But let’s not kid ourselves, if I were a drinker, I wouldn’t be the cocktail type...I’d be the wino embarrassing drunk type. (thus...why I avoid)

Chore I Hate: Yes, I hate chores.

Dogs/Cats: Minnie Dog, the greatest pet ever. And why would anyone have a cat? Cats are pointless and snobby. I don’t like snobs.

Essential electronics: TV – my second true love. I have a life-long love affair with TV. TV makes me laugh and cry. TV tells me secrets and teaches me about things like how celebrities can’t cook and the Hanso Foundation. I love TV. I’m pretty sure I would give up my washer and drye...and my microwave oven...before I’d give up TV.

Favorite perfume/cologne: Just walking within fifty feet of the perfume counters at the mall gives me an ugly migraine. I hate the smelly smells. I use soap and a smile. If that isn’t enough then that is just too bad.

Gold/Silver: Silver (or white gold) exclusively – although in high school I rocked a GOLD NUGGET class ring and a giant gold coin necklace YO.

Hometown: Wherever I park my car – currently the outskirts of Nashville, TN – home of Dolly Parton and the Christian Music Industry. One of these things THRILLS me. Guess which one?

Insomnia: Not necessarily, but lately my body is calling out for sleep in a primal scream that only my dog can hear. I need it. I need the sleep.

Job Title: Director of Sales and Marketing for a semi-indie/semi-corporate rock label. This means I now work for The Man and share a bathroom with 35 other women. But it also means that I have kick butt health insurance.

Kids: Someday soon – which fills me with fright and delight and panic and dread and extreme happiness – equally.

Living Arrangements: Illingworth Manor – a small house in the suburbs with Perfect Ryan and Minnie Dog. We love our house even though we are surrounded by neighbors so obsessed with their yards that they use leaf blowers and weed eaters and lawn mowers at SEVEN IN THE MORNING.

Most Admired Trait: Adaptability

Number of Sexual Partners: One, although I won’t tell you who.

Overnight Hospital Stays: One – when I was in college. I had dehydrated from excessive vomiting and diarrhea from excessive stress from excessive life situations. My college roommates came to my hospital room and washed my hair (which was FOUL) and put deodorant on me. I will never forget that.

Phobias: Sharks and people with abnormally tiny hands. And losing Ryan – I’m terrified of that.

Quote: “That’s one of my jobs when I go home…grooming my parents.” -Charity the Intern

Religion: Christianity – the one true constant in my life.

Siblings: One brother, Drew. He’s the kind of brother that surprises you with his astute observations and mature outlook on life while maintaining the wackiest sense of humor known to man. Drew rules. Period.

Time I usually wake up: Too late. Or when Minnie Dog, who weighs 16 pounds, stands directly on my breasts and stares at me while breathing loudly...I also wake up then.

Unusual talent: I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.

Vegetable: Potatoes. Ok, look, I don’t really like “vegetables”. I know that makes some of you gasp and fall down dead, but I just don’t. I don’t. But I do drink carrot juice every day and I take a multi-vitamin. Give a girl a break.

Worst habit: Not eating vegetables.

X-rays: You might remember a few months ago when my pointless surgery was rescheduled due to a freak toe incident? Yeah, that toe incident cost me more money than my entire surgery. Stupid x-rays.

Yummy foods I make: Grapes (trust me) and cheese dip and lasagna and chicken pot pie and chicken enchiladas.

Zodiac Sign: I don’t know? My birthday is June 9th – HINT HINT – and I will be older than I’ve ever been before.

Tag, you're it.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Duck Says:

The Duck says Happy Graduation Ya'll!

The Duck Graduates

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Man

Corporate America gives me gas.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


So there's this...


And then there's this....


I keep wondering if my husband is trying to prepare for an alien invasion.

Friday, May 12, 2006


Dear Mrs. GMC SUV from Williamson County,

You don't know me. But I know you. You and your big giant white SUV. You and your cashmere hoodie and your black diamond-studded sunglasses. You and your manicured nails and your pink razor cell phone that's glued to your left ear.

We met this morning on I-65. I was the girl wearing the white long sleeved t-shirt under a green short sleeved t-shirt driving a reasonably sized black Toyota Corolla. I was the girl minding her own business, driving to work. I was the girl who had just kissed her husband and doggie good-bye. I was the girl thinking about all the things I need to accomplish today.

The reason I know so much about you is because you swerved within an INCH OF MY LIFE. You and your big fat SUV came over into my lane without any notice of me. I suppose you thought my little car could just hop out of the way. I suppose you wanted to get ahead of the person in front of you and never bothered to look and see if anyone was beside you. You just came on over, like it was your right because you were simply too busy talking on the phone to look over your shoulder. You just swerved into me, nearly slamming into me. There were literal centimeters between us. I could see what color your eye shadow was. Your idiotic action caused me to slam on my brakes and swerve into the median (nearly flipping my car, I'm sure) and everyone behind us to slam on their brakes and swerve. You and your big giant pointless SUV nearly cost me my life. I like my life. I really don't want it to end on I-65 on my way to work.

Even as I slammed and swerved and honked, even as traffic five cars behind slammed and swerved and cursed and honked, you just kept blabbing, never noticing any of us. And why would you? I'm sure you're far too important and busy to notice a girl like me, on her way to work. I'm sure you were off to a massage or a pedicure or a shopping spree. I hope you have a nice day. I hope your pedicure gives you a toenail fungus that hasn't yet been identified and your big toe rots and falls off.

Good day to you,

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

O.O. J.

Every single day I get more annoying. Obnoxious. I am totally aggravated with myself.

I don't know, but maybe it's the new office scenario? For the past five years I've worked with five or less people during the day. Now I have face to face conversations with 25+ people every single day. It's fun to meet new people and make new friends, fun to interact with so many people every day. However, I leave most of my new conversations thinking "JoAnna! Tone it down!" Overly Obnoxious Jo is blaring at full speed and Glamorous Jo is nowhere to be found. I tell wild stories and talk too loud. I make sarcastic commments and find that I'm the only one laughing. Even as I see the troubled or disinterested look on my listener's face....I keep going. I keep talking. Louder. Waving my hands excitedly as if they will distract people from my pointless and trivial words. I can't seem to stop myself. Several times each day I find myself thinking...SHUT THE HECK UP! Sure, this part of my personality can be cute and charming - but not in such large and ear piercing doses.

Friends, it's true. I am turning into my mother.

Friday, May 05, 2006


It's true that in the past few weeks I've been on the computer more than I have been in the past year. And I have a new dog. A new cute dog who loves to play and snuggle. A new dog who tries to jump into my lap everytime I'm on the computer. I've been working on my book so I've had to say no many many times and tell her to get down. Every time she looks sad and walks away slowly turning her face back to me to make sure I know just how cute she is. To make sure I know what a mean Mommy I am to refuse to play with her, constantly typing words words words. And I know just how cute she is....but the work. The work!

I've suspected her jealousy of the computer, her need for my attention. How wrong I was. My dog didn't want my attention, she wanted her turn with the ibook. Today I got home and found her like this:


What was she doing on the computer you ask? Creating this. Apparently she's on a quest to become the most popular dog on the World Wide Web. Even as I write this, she's staring at me waiting for her turn.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

You Wouldn't Believe...

--how many times a week one of my Pop-Tarts gets stuck in the toaster
--how wretched my hair looks these days
--how unbelievably busy work has been lately
--how high my dog can jump
--how high and how fast the weeds in my yard can grow...but no grass
--how much I miss seeing these girls every single day
The Girls
--how cute it is when little Alex says "JoNanna"
--how much I screamed in the last minute of Lost last night
--how much I jumped up and down saying YAY when Paris got kicked off AI last night
--how much the corporate world is robbing me of my very soul with all its rules and regulations
--how tired I am

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Self Portrait Tuesday: Introduce Yourself (The Facts)

Residents of Illingworth Manor

So this is me, GlamJo. And my husband, Perfect Ryan. And my dog, Minnie. Basically all of the residents of Illingworth Manor - minus The Duck. He wasn't too interested in being a part of the family photo. Punk. So I guess I should tell you about myself since it's Introduce Yourself month over at SPT. Below is a list from which you can deduce whether or not you would let me into your clubhouse.

Things I Like:
-Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brien, equally
-Ryan's shoulders
-The final four contestants on American Idol (assuming Paris gets kicked off tonight...please oh please let Paris be gone)
-Jo from Super Nanny
-The mirror in the first floor bathroom of my office building that makes me look Lohan thin
-My friends' babies
-Clean sheets

Things I Don't Like:
-Wet socks
-Awkward pauses with people I've just met that make me certain they have just decided that they don't like me as much as they originally thought
-Donald Trump
-That commercial about toenail fungus with the animated, dancing fungus
-Gum that doesn't hold it's flavor
-When people from the south mispronounce words like JoAnna and Maury and Versailles. (For the record, my fellow southerners, it's not "Joanne" and it's not "Murray" and it's not "Versales". Idiots.)

So be it.

Live from Haiti

So my old boss, Bob, is currently in Haiti working on the orphanage. {Side note: Check out Hands and Feet for a worthy cause and to learn more about the orphanage.} He just sent me this picture.

Bob in Haiti

I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while.

#1 - He's 40.
#2 - He's a guy.
#3 - He has five kids.
#4 - He's in Haiti.
#5 - He's a 40-year old guy in Haiti reading my little book about breaking up.

Does this mean I've gone global?