Friday, September 30, 2005

How To Embarrass Yourself

While riding in a car with your mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law.

Older sister-in-law: Well, who knows what I will get at my next bridal shower. Those girls from work are crazy. WILD crazy. They will probably give me edible underwear!

Younger sister-in-law: What is that? What is edible underwear?

Me: Oh, it's like a fruit roll-up.

Very long, very awkward, very horrifying pause.

Me(realizing what I've just said): Sorry Dawn.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Things I Wonder: Vinyl

Is it possible that a grown man in 2005 doesn't know that a 12 inch, black, 2-sided round disc is a vinyl record and NOT a CD?

Yes - it's not only possible, but probable. It happened to me today. I had a courier in L.A. picking up 120 vinyl records to take to another location (and with urgency!) - and he called his dispatcher to say "these are CDs, not vinyl".

So I asked the important questions:
Q: Is what you are looking at 12 inches across?
A: Yes
Q: Is what you are looking at in a carboard sleeve that is also 12 inches X 12 inches?
A: Yes
Q: Is what you are looking at black vinyl with a hole in the center?
A: Yes
Q: Does it have two sides?
A: Yes

My friend, that is a vinyl record. NOT a CD. Please stop bothering me.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Inner Self Portrait Tuesday: Nature vs. Nurture

Harris Family

In lieu of the traditional Self Portrait - I've decided to post my Inner Self Portrait today. For the argument of Nature vs. Nurture, I think this photo is a classic example of why I am who I am. (You might want to click on the image so you can see it larger....) Notice that every Harris in this photo looks crazy and unstable. Family Portrait indeed.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Reason #700

Reason #700 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

He got down to one peg on the Cracker Barrel peg game. He's genius ya'll!

P.S. - I had four pegs left. By Cracker Barrel standards, I am an egg-no-ra-moose.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Ohyeah.....HAPPY FIRST DAY OF FALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Fall is the best.) (All hail Fall.) (Only eight more days until my favorite month - OCTOBER.)

Worse than a Lurker

Raise your hand if you think Eavesdroppers should be banished to the island on Lost and made to fend for themselves against The Others.

If you are an eavesdropper, and you do not wish to be banished, please follow these simple rules.
1. DO NOT comment on conversations you are not a part of
2. DO NOT make commenting noises (ie "mmmhmmmm" or "huh" or "yeah") about conversations you are not a part of
3. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER comment on someone's PHONE CONVERSATION that you are OBVIOUSLY not a part of - THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSE!
4. Do not point out that I am ending every rule in a preposition or I will boil you in hot oil

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Reach Out

I’m a big believer in saying whatever it is you want to say. Don’t beat around the bush with a bunch or words that have no meaning or depth. So, I present to you the phrases that (in my opinion) are aggravating, annoying, overused and IRRITATING. Yes, I am guilty of using some of these phrases.

Shoot me an email
– Until Microsoft Office adds a “shoot” icon or some sort of weapon I can use, I will continue to send emails and not shoot them at people.

Let’s sit down
- I used to work with a girl who was always wanting to sit down and talk about things, even if we were already sitting. She would say “well let’s sit down and talk about…blah blah blah”. It made me want to sit down ON HER FACE.

On the table
– Same girl who was always wanting to sit down about things also wanted to put everything “on the table”. She would say “well let’s just get everything on the table and….” …and I would drift off into thoughts about Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.

At the end of the day
– My boss’s personal favorite. He can’t seem to finish a sentence without letting us all know that at the end of the day, things will……WHO CARES. I WISH IT WAS THE END OF THE DAY SO I COULD GO HOME AND KISS MY HUSBAND INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO YOU BABBLE ON AND ON ABOUT THE BLESSED END OF THE DAY

Reach out
- A new one that’s come up quite a bit lately. There’s a certain sect of people I’ve been working with the past few months, and these people do not call other people – they reach out.
Ex: I’ll reach out to her and see if we can get a connection. Let me reach out and see if he’s available.
Does this creep anyone else out? What’s with all the reaching?

Grab dinner/Grab a bite
-This phrase has always irritated me. I love food. I want to spend time with it and hang out with it. No grabbing!

To be honest with you
-Why do you need to specify that you are being honest? Are you lying all the other times that you talk to me?

Fell in love with
-I want to scream and run whenever anyone says they fell in love with something.
Ex: I saw this cute puppy at the pound and just FELL IN LOVE with it!!!!! I found this new ice cream flavor at Ben & Jerry’s and just FELL IN LOVE with it!!!
You are not, I repeat, not in love with the puppy or the ice cream. Please calm down.

Again, I am guilty of using some of the very phrases I hate. Please join me and admit what phrases you overuse – or what phrases crawl up under your skin and make you want to scream no-no words. Both will be equally enjoyed.

Bonus: WHAT are these kinds of phrases called in the literary world? I have a minor in English from a liberal arts university. You would think I’d know.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Self Portrait Tuesday


This is a wedding gift from my husband - the charm says "Ryan". I never take it off.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Spring Hill Patient

Several people this morning have asked how my weekend was - and my response – hazardous.

Exhibit A: I burned two knuckles on my right hand while getting something out of the oven. (Yes, I cook. Yes, my husband likes my cooking. And yes, now that I will have hideous scars on my right hand, I will be forced to start wearing one glove.)
Exhibit B: I stubbed/BROKE my little toe on my right foot. I had actually gotten dressed to go exercise and was just walking to the laundry room to add another load and WHAM. Of course I didn’t make it to the park. Instead, I worked out by lying on the couch crying (read: wailing loudly) and watching bad TV. (You know, like when the English Patient comes on the WB afternoon movie, and it was boring the first time you saw it and there's not one reason on earth you should watch it ever again, but for some reason you can't look away even though you should be writing wedding thank you notes and painting the bedroom.)
Exhibit C: I burned my left arm on a cookie sheet fresh out of the oven
Exhibit D: While grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, a strange man said Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere? NO!, I said.
Exhibit E: 24 was grossly overlooked at the Emmys. Only three more months until Jack is back.

Friday, September 16, 2005

But Jay Z owns Roca Wear!

I just got back from a work trip that was less than desirable. I don’t know how to fully describe some of the events (and I would like to, believe me) so I’ll just list the lowlights.

- I almost missed my flight to D.C. because Long Term parking was FULL and Overflow Parking was FULL and then I had to turn around to get to the Economy Lot but I got stuck in traffic because there was a massive wreck
- I encountered about 15 to 20 people who were working in a customer service oriented way – WHO COULD NOT SPEAK ENGLISH
- The flight attendant on my flight to D.C. had trouble reading from the safety guidelines card, kept having to sound out the words (which she did over the intercom). I decided that if we encountered some sort of peril, I would have to take over
- On the flight to D.C. I sat behind a couple with a small child. The child kept reaching through the seats trying to touch my face. The parents did nothing to stop this - FOR TWO HOURS
- I experienced subtle racism (against me) for the first time in my 31 years of life
- I got lost driving around D.C. – which isn’t hard to do since the city is laid out like a 2000 piece jigsaw puzzle with 30 pieces missing
- I yelled at my artist to SHUT! UP! RIGHT! NOW!
- He did not take kindly to the yelling
- I only yelled because I was at the literal end of my rope and he would not shut-up
- I considered stealing the hotel hairdryer because it was THAT awesome
- I was involved (by accident) in a heated debate about who is worth more money – Jay Z or R. Kelly
- I learned that those who think Jay Z is worth more money than R. Kelly are “trippin’”
- I learned that urban record stores display their pornagraphic videos right next to the Beyonce and Mariah CDs
- I saw George Huff, the one and only American Idol contestant I’ve ever voted for
- I saw a woman in her sixties wearing a tube-top dress and no underwear to speak of. The tube dress was so incredibly tight, she could only take tiny 1 inch steps very quickly, sort of hopping. While wearing the tiny tube and doing the tiny hop, she was dragging a 75 pound suitcase, the old school hard shell kind that’s not on wheels. She also appeared to be seven months pregnant, although I’m sure that was simply a result of the no-supportive-underwear-tube-dress scenario
- While I was openly gawking at the Tiny Tube Lady, another lady stopped next to me and said “I just can’t take it anymore. I cannot follow this woman one more step. Do you mind if I stand here next to you for a minute?”
- “Of course not” I replied
- I was almost thrown out of BET by the rent-a-cops because I didn’t have proper “credentials”
- I did not see George W. Bush
- I almost missed my flight back home due to incompetence at the Washington/Dulles airport
- I rode six different shuttles in 24 hours
- I sat next to a sharp dressed man with INCREDIBLE B.O.
- When I got back to Nashville, the Economy Lot shuttle dropped me off (at 11:30 at night) in a HUGE GIANT LOT with no people. It was dark. Scary. Lonely. I couldn’t find my car. Then I noticed a suspicious man (suspicious: no luggage in an airport parking lot, didn’t seem to be looking for a car) who was lurking in whatever row I happened to be in – I thought I would be killed, or worse
- I finally found my car and was SO READY TO GO HOME (and not be killed, or worse) and I got onto the interstate to SIT IN TRAFFIC BECAUSE OF CONSTRUCTION

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Reason #20

Reason #20 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

He just called me from the grocery where he was picking up milk since I've been scatterbrained and busy and haven't bought milk. (Note to Internet: Ryan LOVES milk. Illingworth Manor should NEVER EVER run out of milk.) While checking if we needed anything else, he said "would you like me to have dinner ready when you get home?"

Pencils down people. I win for greatest husband ever.


Monday, September 12, 2005

Self Portrait Tuesday

Originally uploaded by Glamorous Jo.
Because of Self Portrait Tuesday (and the subsequent lack of original ideas) I've discovered something about myself. (Is this the hidden point?) When I think I'm smiling - I'm not. It took me about 50 tries to get this photo - in all the others I look grouchy or angry when in my mind, I was smiling pleasantly. To summarize:
1. I'm thankful for digital and its immediate results - which I can quickly delete
2. My mental smile does not often make it to my face
3. People who don't know me must think I'm in a perpetually bad mood
4. I love red

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Reason #2


Reason #2 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

He's my best friend.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Self Portrait Tuesday


Here is the final hair color – which is finally the correct (desired) color. Thankfully, it is no longer orange/green/zombie grey. Although, yesterday my mother told me that I looked “funny”. Thanks Mom.

Highlights/Lowlights from the long weekend:
-Watched my hot husband play some rock ‘n roll
-Ate Betty’s famous grape salad
-Slept in
-Colored my hair for the third time in a week - the burning sensation has finally subsided
-Shot a rifle with my redneck relatives
-Hung out with my brother and his fabulous wife
-Unknowingly started a rumor that I’m pregnant – which I am not
-Found gas for $2.89 in KY
-Drove a 4-wheeler through the KY woods which was both dangerous and exhilarating
-Watched The Three Amigos and angered my husband when I said “I guess this movie is only funny if you’re drunk or 12 years old”.
-Felt hope and hopelessness while watching the news
-Felt truly loved

Friday, September 02, 2005


I can't stop watching and reading the news. I can't stop thinking about it. The plight of people just a few hundred miles south - it's struck me silent. Most of what I'm seeing and reading is devastatingly negative. Horrifying and sickening. Things are starting to seem hopeless.

Then this afternoon as I made my home on I-65, I was passed by a military convoy of loaded trucks, heading south. Then I passed three different church vans filled to the roof with water and blankets and snacks - headed south. I know more than one convoy and three vans is needed. But - seeing these people - soldiers, retirees, married couples warmed my heart.

Thursday, September 01, 2005


I just paid $2.99 a gallon for gas. This morning it was $2.68. At 1:00 it was $2.89. Right now it's $2.99. I think it's time for hitchhiking to come back in vogue.