Thursday, June 26, 2008

Reason #46

Reason #46 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth

Me: RYAN!I just got an email from (insert name here) that said, "So! Are you and Ryan planning on having a little baby soon?"

Ryan: Well, maybe I should just burn her house down and then say, "So! Are you getting a new house soon?"

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Wii've Missed You!

The Wii Fit is bound and determined to drive me to drink....high calorie soft drinks. If I miss one stinking day Wii scolds me in a cheery tone reminiscent of the southern belle "bless your heart" nicety-fake-nice-ness. Hi Jo! I missed you yesterday! Were you too busy to work out? You know, the best way to lose weight is to work out every day!




But I gotta say, never in my life have I been so motivated by someone so condescending. But the more Wii Fit beats me up, the more I want to prove it wrong. I'm not a loser! I can stick with it! I can do the Warrior Pose and hit soccer balls with my head and hula hoop for six minutes straight! The more Wii Fit taunts me the more I want to work-out. When the virtual trainer says "your legs are shaking!" I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. When she claps and praises me I blush and feel like a champ.

Nintendo has finally cornered the market on mind control and I am but a robot doing whatever my virtual trainer tells me to do.

Alice over at Finslippy said it way better than I ever will. (Read her hilarious thoughts here.)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


My friend Heather has recently taught me about The Slow Drift. She’s young and fun and tends to attract That Guy. You know That Guy. He’s the one you meet at a party or at a movie with friends and you immediately think he’s nice or sweet. You laugh at his jokes. You think he’s cool. But then the third or fourth time you bump into That Guy it becomes clear that he’s into you. Like, into you. And you don’t want to be mean. Don’t want to hurt him. In fact, you really do want to be friends! Thus begins The Slow Drift, that subtle nuance that women are born with and men cannot seem to grasp no matter how many times we explain it.

Step 1: He calls and you talk for a few minutes. You remain friendly, but breezy.
Step 2: He calls and you don't answer.
Step 3: He calls and you don't answer.
Step 4: He calls and you still don't answer.
Step 5: He sees you out with another guy and begins to wonder if something is up.

There are more steps but I don't know them all. I probably drifted off when Heather was explaining them. I think the summary is basically ignoring and using blatant silence to send a message that you are not interested. And you know...I was all set to write a riveting post tonight filled with hilarious observations and insights and stories and...stuff. But then I blanked out in front of a bad episode of Wife Swap. Kinda like on my way home when suddenly I found myself turning into my neighborhood, unable to remember the drive home. Sorta like when I zoned out during the four hour meeting at work today.

Apparently I'm trying to send my life a message that I'm not interested in a serious relationship.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Future So Bright

This morning while I was drying my hair and thinking about my imaginary children (hi kids!) I realized that they could potentially live to see the year 3000. And I thought about what that will be like and thought surely they would have flying cars by then and probably a personal robot and best of all, could work from home.

And then I realized that I'm not very good at math.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Hello World, I'm 34

Today is my birthday. And things around here haven't been awesome, that's no secret. This particular birthday has hit me much harder than I was prepared for....and I wouldn't say it's been a great day. But I don't care about the obvious. So, in honor of today, I will now attempt to list 34 things that make me happy. Take that 34!

34. Milkshakes.
33. Blockbuster online.
32. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
31. Grilling out at Illingworth Manor.
30. Tivo'd episodes of The Hulk - seventies style.
29. Nieces.
28. Seeing the look on a new friend's face when they learn I was in the handbell choir.
27. Growing my own flowers.
26. The Wii.
25. And Wii Fit.
24. And Dr. Mario on the Wii.
23. And a husband who introduces me to such things.
24. Edy's Slow Churned.
23. Time off.
22. Friends who get it.
21. Minnie Dog chasing flies.
20. Buying in bulk.
19. Loose fat jeans.
18. Coke Zero.
17. Ryan's laugh.
16. Happy Birthday voicemails.
15. Ryan's giftwrapping skills.
14. The new privacy fence.
13. That 2008 is half over.
12. Vacation anticipation.
11. Gift Cards.
10. Family.
9. Super Target down the street.
8. Strawberry Lemonade
7. Cheetos - all natural.
6. Hugs.
5. Air conditioning.
4. Having enough.
3. Hope, even in the midst of extreme heartache.
2. Love, even when I'm hard to be with.
1. Ryan.

I cried a lot this weekend. Cried a lot today. But I know this is only a season, only a blip in what I hope is a long and happy life. And truly, I'm much more than a number. Much more than 34. I'm Thirty Fortunate.

Friday, June 06, 2008


#1 - I can't seem to watch anything but Top Chef without crying. Seems like every movie, TV show, infomercial and dirty reality farce has some sort of baby storyline aimed directly at my ovaries.

#2 - A year ago my sister-in-law gave me a bracelet that had gotten her through some "will it ever happen for me" roughness. It's a silver link bracelet inscribed with the verse from Matthew that says "Ask and Ye Shall Receive". It was an amazingly thoughtful gesture and I immediately put it around the gear shift in my car so I would see it every day, partly for the message and mostly to remember that there are those who understand. And who love me. This afternoon I got into my car to leave work and noticed that the links were scattered around the gear shift. Apparently the interior bands holding the links together had dissolved into nothingness. And ok, it's been hot lately. Sure, it's been so hot my flip-flops have nearly melted while watering my roses. Yes, it's been August-in-Miami, seventh-level-of-hell, Graham-from-The-Bachelorette HOT. But. I had no idea it was hot enough to melt wishes and dreams.

#3 - I ran into an old (and dear!) friend at Costco with her gorgeous (gorgeous!) 3 year old daughter. Upon seeing me, her daughter said, "Where's your baby?"

Where indeed.