Saturday, August 23, 2008

Show Me That Smile Again

So you remember that I recently caught our backyard neighbors celebrating their marital love in their hot tub. I was walking Minnie Dog after work one hot afternoon when I heard a strange splashing sound and wouldn't you know it, Big Al and Mrs. Big Al were participating in some afternoon/early evening delight. It was that day that I told Ryan I didn't care how much it cost, we were getting a privacy fence.

Since the privacy fence has been in place, things have been glorious. I have heard strange splashings, but the point is that I haven't had to SEE anything. My retinas are no longer subject to being burned by the vision of Al's back hair waving in the evening breeze.

Cut to tonight and the annual company picnic at the Nashville Sounds baseball game. Ryan was working so I went to the picnic solo. By the time I left it was dark and the Sounds stadium isn't in the safest of neighborhoods and my car was parked in the back 40 of the furthest parking lot from the back of the last aisle way in the back. It was far. As I walked through the rows of cars listening for any sounds other than the crunch of gravel under my flip-flops, singing the theme song to Growing Pains in my head, I saw them.

Two teenagers.
In the back of a pick-up truck.
Doing things teenagers shouldn't be doing.

People, I can't put a privacy fence around my face.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Miss Manners

What’s the etiquette when running into your gastrointernologist at the Costco gas station? There he is, wearing his doctor scrubs and his gold nugget bracelet, gasing up his Porsche, probably just back from peering into some poor sap’s colon with his mile long scope of death. Do you walk over and say hello? Maybe show him your backside so he recognizes you?
Hey Dr. King! How’s business? Seen any ulcerative colitis lately? Colon cancer on the rise? What’s that? You haven’t seen any colons as nice as mine? Oh Dr. King, you charmer! We should have you over for a BBQ!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


You know it's going to be a good day when the lawn mower dies, the rear tires on your car are "dangerously bald, seriously, I'm surprised you're still alive", the DVD player dies and one of the posts on your brand new fence is cracked and leaning causing the gate to bend. Oh, and also, you discover that you accidentally wore a "hootchie" shirt to work.

Good times.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Wii Fit: A Conversation

Wii Fit Board: Oh my, hello there!

Me: Here we go.

WFB: It's Jo, right? I almost forgot, it's been so long!

Me: I know, I've been pretty busy.

WFB: Busy doing what, ordering Value Meal #2 every day?

Me: NO! I've just had a lot going on.

WFB: My, my, you must have! You know, the best way to lose weight is to exercise every day!

Me: Yeah, I know. I've had a lot of stuff going on. Stuff! A lot of stuff!

WFB: I can hardly imagine! The fall TV lineup hasn't started yet, what else is it that you do exactly? I know! How about a quick body test?

Me: Fine.

(I step onto the board which subsequently winces.)

WFB: You've gained weight! Big surprise! Did you know that overeating and no exercise leads to weight gain! How about a fitness tip?

Me: Oh brother, here we go...

WFB: If you want to lose weight, try not to eat so many cookies. Since you're so fat, how about another fitness tip?

Me: Why not, I still have one small shred of dignity left.

WFB: If you don't want people to see you and think they've seen a beached whale, try to eat a vegetable for once! How about another fitness tip?

Me: Look, Wii, I've had a lot going on. I told you. A LOT. I've had things going on that would put hair on your board. Get off my back already.

WFB: Here's a fitness tip, maybe if you carried me around on your back you could lose some of that disgusting fat you have there! How about another fitness tip?


WFB: Ok, Jo! Of course, that would require some muscle strength and you don't have any! How about another fitness tip?


WFB: Ok, Jo! Of course, seething with rage isn't really considered a form of exercise. How about another fitness tip?

Me: .....................

WFB: Picking up a fork is not considered a form of exercise. How about another fitness tip?


WFB: You really oughta think about trying to put the French fries down before you become an unrecognizable blob! How about another fitness tip?

Me: .....................

WFB: Are you still there, Jo? Waiting around won't help that fat go away! How about another fitness tip?


WFB: Oh no, it seems the fat has rendered you speechless!

Me: Well this was fun. I'm gonna some cookies.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Reason #2

Reason #2 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

Because even when I'm being unreasonable and sad and irrational and weeping and silent. Even when I'm inconsolable and irritated. Even when I make it worse. Even when the reason for our sadness is ultimately my fault. Even when hopelessness is whistling through the cracks in my heart so loudly passers by are stopping to stare. Even then. Without hesitation, he're perfect.