To Wed...

It’s interesting to me the many contradictions/oddities I’ve found while planning this wedding (that is now approaching like a speeding bullet) that the wedding community at large seems to impose on every girl blinking love south of the Mason-Dixon. Below are just a few I’ve encountered that make me laugh – or mad – depending on the moment.

1. Go on a diet and be skinny for your wedding!
This is a lie. Well, ok…..I DO want to look hot on my wedding day. But, every magazine, website, half hour show on TLC and friend/acquaintance makes it VERY clear that I should be as skinny as humanly possible on my wedding day. Amazon.com has SCORES of books I could buy to teach me how to get skinny, including one titled “The Wedding Dress Diet”. There’s a section on theknot.com about fitness – including a checklist. There’s a show on TLC about brides competing to see who can lose the most weight before the wedding. I’ve had 20+ people ask me if I’ve gone on a diet for the wedding, or, ask me how much weight I’ve lost so far (simply assuming that OF COURSE I’ve been trying). Well guess what? THIS bride has not been on ANY sort of diet since she got engaged. First of all, Ryan loves me already. He thought I was hot when we met. He asked me to marry him at THIS weight. Second of all, (and here’s the magic contradiction) how are you supposed to diet when you are constantly going to parties and showers and dinners/lunches with friends to celebrate? I’ve eaten large portions of shower cake three times now (and LOVED it). Should I turn down 1,000 calorie cake at my own shower? NO! And after every bridal shower, I’ve been given the leftover cake to take home and enjoy – AND I HAVE. Who has time to think about food when there are 549 other details to be thinking about and finalizing? Not me. I don’t care if I’m tiny on my wedding day. As long as my dress zips, I’m happy.

2. It’s your day! You can do whatever you want!
This is a lie. Well, ok….I CAN do whatever I want, but no one really means that. Everyone has an opinion about what I should do, and if I disagree, they turn their head to the side like a Golden Retriever and murmur something about what’s wrong with me. Well, nothing is wrong with me. IT’S MY DAY (as you just stated). But, I do this too. When someone else does something I deem “weird” or “different” at their wedding, my head falls to the right and I think “what is she THINKing?” Every woman (and some men) have an opinion about what the perfect wedding looks like. And every woman (and some men) expect my wedding to be the perfect – so they share, freely. And offer help. But most of the time, the help that is offered is really a ploy to get their way so my wedding will be perfect. (Read: How They Want It) Well guess what? I WANT my brother to stand next to me at the wedding!!! Yes, he’s a guy. Yes, I know most people don’t do that. Yes, I know he will be on the “girls” side. But he is my brother and I don’t care what you say. The End.

3. Do-it-Yourself and save money!
This is a lie. Well, ok…..I DID save money doing things myself. But I also cried at two different Kinko’s locations and sat up past midnight next to my printer. I’ve also made more trips to JoAnn’s Crafts and Michael’s than I ever will again in the rest of my adult life. I’ve also had my flower order lost, then found, then lost again. I’ve also held my breath while my dress was at the dry cleaner’s and the seamstress because it’s irreplaceable (and not irreplaceable in that “one-of-a-kind” way but in that “I-bought-it-on-ebay-so-I-can’t-just-go-buy-another-one” way). I used to think Wedding Planners were just for rich, lazy people. Now I wish I was rich and lazy.

4. Registering for gifts is the only way to get what you need!
This is also a lie. Well, ok…..part of it is true. I HAVE gotten a lot of nice gifts that I really wanted and needed. But I’ve also gotten creepy stuff. And now I want the things on my list that I didn’t get – which I wouldn’t even know about had I not registered. I think the Bridal Gift Registry is retail’s way of luring in innocent couple’s in love, making them believe that they NEED an ice bucket and a potato slicer to have a happy marriage. Unless we have a mini-chopper and a silver serving tray, we will end up lonely, friendless and utterly unacceptable. Our Bed Bath and Beyond Bridal Consultant informed us (many times over) that not only would we be receiving all of the gits on our registry, but probably lots of money too, which we could use to get MORE things from Bed Bath and Beyond!!!!! BEYOND!!!!!!!

There are more of these observations...but I cannot list them all now. I have to go home and eat ice cream and print 180 programs for my Do-It-Yourself wedding that’s exactly what I want.