Small Town USA - Volume 2

So that fateful morning I drove BACK to Columbia to get my car tags renewed, grumbling the whole way about how much I HATE getting my car tags renewed. I drove past the rolling hills. Past Duck River Electric (honk, honk!). Past the town watering hole, tanning salon and the local auto mart. When I had called the Maury (Murray) County Clerk’s office to get directions, the friendly ma’am on the phone had told me to “turn left by the big bank”, so I was looking for “the big bank” and ran a red light. Luckily, Barney Fife wasn’t on duty at that particular corner. Turning at the big bank landed me right in the middle of town square. I drove around the square once and found the Clerk’s office and then drove around once more to find a parking space. On my third trip around, I was held up by prisoners in black and white jumpsuits filing into the Court House. (Yes – black and white striped jumpsuits….my very own “O Brother Where Art Thou” moment, only with less singing. But I did have a hankerin’ to R-U-N-N-O-F-T.)
The inside of the Maury (Murray) County Clerk’s office reminded me of the George Bailey's building and loan office from “It’s A Wonderful Life”. There was a worried guy in the back, typing on an actual type writer. Behind the counter sat several women in modest “Sunday” dresses. High ceilings with long pole lights hanging down added to the old wood smell. Looking around, it seemed like this experience might not be so bad after all. Maybe they would even offer me a cookie and some lemonade! When it was my turn, I happily walked up to the counter and presented my car registration.

Sunday Dress: Well Good Morning! Can I helpya?
Me: Yes (handing over registration), I need to get my car tags renewed, and I’ve just moved to Maury County. (I even said mur-eeee.)
SD: OK, do you have some mail with you?
Me: Mail?
SD: To prove that you’ve moved to the county?
Me: Umm..no.
SD: Well honey, you need something to prove you live here. Don’t you have any mail?
Me: No, I don’t. I just moved…so my mail hasn’t caught up with me yet. My tags expire Tuesday and Monday is a holiday….can I just get them renewed? I do live in this county.
SD: Well do you have any mail or anything to prove your address is in Maury County?
Me: (Starting to breathe hard through my nose as this situation is fast becoming Duck River Electric: The Sequel) Well, I don’t have any mail because it hasn’t been forwarded yet. I need to get my car tags today. I might have a receipt from Duck River Electric, would that work?
SD: (Staring at me…….)
Me: (Searching through purse which is jammed full of receipts from house stuff, traveling, brother’s wedding, my own wedding and Moe’s Southwest Grill)
Me: (Dumping contents of purse on counter searching for the Duck River Electric handwritten receipt)
Me: (Breathing even louder through nose)
Me: I don’t have anything with me that shows my address.
SD: Well, you’ll have to come back with some mail or somethin’ honey. We need to know that you really live here.

Yes, there are questions to be asked like WHY would I come all the way to Columbia if I didn’t have to? WHY would I fake a Maury (Murray) County address? WHY didn’t someone tell me about this before I drove 60 minutes one way – OUT OF MY WAY.

I left in a huff.

When I got back to my office, I called the Franklin Post Office to find out where my mail was and why it wasn’t with me. They informed me that, indeed, they had forwarded my mail. They suggested I call the Spring Hill Post Office. Ok.

Spring Hill Post Office: Good afternoon, Spring Hill Post Office, how can I helpya?
Me: Hi, I’ve recently moved to Spring Hill from Franklin and haven’t started receiving my mail yet. It was supposed to start forwarding on the 9th, and today is the 27th and I still haven’t received anything – not even junk mail.
SHPO: Well honey, you wouldn’t get any junk mail.
Me: Ok, I’m just trying to emphasize that I haven’t received anything, and it was supposed to start on the 9th.
SHPO: But junk mail isn’t forwarded.
Me: I understand, I’m just pointing out that there are cobwebs in my mailbox where mail should be. I called the Franklin Post Office and they said it’s all been forwarded, but I have not received anything. I need my mail.
SHPO: Well when did you start the forward?
Me: (pause) ……The 9th
SHPO: And where was it forwarded from?
Me: (longer pause)………………………..Franklin
SHPO: Ok, well I’m sure it will start up soon. Can I helpya with anythin’ else?
Me: No, I need my mail. Today is the 27th. I went to the County Clerk’s office to get my car tags renewed, and they will not renew them unless I can prove I live in Maury County – which I cannot do until I get my mail. I need my mail.
SHPO: What’s your name and address and I’ll look and see what I can find, ok Honey?
Me: (on hold…waiting…..sighing loudly….tapping foot……more sighing….)
SHPO: Honey, we’ve got all your mail right here!
Me: (loud pause)……Why hasn’t it been delivered?
SHPO: Well we were just waitin’ to hear from ya!
Me: What?
SHPO: Yeah Darlin’, we were just waitin’ to hear from ya so we’d know you’s here!
Me: I filled out a form with the United States Postal Service. Did that not inform you of when I would “be here”?
SHPO: Oh I know that, but we were just holding your mail right here til we heard from ya!
Me: Ok……………………………………………………………………………….I’m here. Could you please deliver my mail?
SHPO: Well Darlin’, she’s already gone out today. Didya wanna come by and pick it up?
Me: No – I do not want to come by and pick it up. I work in Franklin and it is not convenient for me to come by there to pick up my mail which should be in my mailbox.
SHPO: Well I’ll let her know that you’re here and well getcher mail right to ya!
Me: Thank you.

I did end up leaving work at 3pm so that I could go to the Spring Hill Post Office and retrieve my mail, and then drive to Columbia – AGAIN – to get my car tags. When I got to the post office, two ladies were working behind the counter. I must have had a mean look on my face, because right when I walked in the first lady said, “are you one come lookin for your mail, Honey?” When I got to my car and looked through the stack – I noticed several bills…..LATE bills……with LATE fees…..LATE. I started to march back into the post office and raise ruckus…but I still had the Columbia excursion (second one of the day) ahead of me.

It was 4:11pm when I arrived at the Maury (Murray) County Clerk’s Office. “Good”, I thought, “I still have 49 minutes before they close”. I gathered my evidence-of-residence mail (I was going to take the WHOLE STACK in) and my car registration and tried to open the door. It was stuck so I pulled harder. Still stuck so I pulled HARDER. Then, and only then, I noticed the sign on the door. Hours: 8:00am to 4:00pm. I pressed my weary face against the glass and glared inside to the Sunday Dresses behind the counter. They will still in there, looking at me. They could see me. THEY COULD SEE ME. I pounded on the door. I shouted. I waved my evidence-of-residence mail in the air. They just smiled at me, sweetly, like they were unaware of my pain. I kicked the bricks hard thinking THAT’LL SHOW THEM! I AM ANGRY! DO YOU SEE THAT I AM ANGRY!

Dejected and filled with rage, I shuffled back to my car that now had an empty gas tank. As I unlocked the door, a perky girl wearing a halter top and short shorts bounced out of the door to the clerk’s office. I shrieked and raced to catch the door, letting my precious mail fly in all directions. It slammed shut in my face. Halter Top giggled and hopped in the car with her boyfriend and they sped away, no doubt with a renewed registration. Once more I pressed my face and hands against the glass, hoping for some pity. Something. ANYTHING. Sunday Dress walked towards me….I bit my lip and stood up straight….as she turned out the lights with a smile and a wink.

Small Town USA. My new home.