Exposed

Ryan and I went to look for tuxedos for the wedding last Saturday. After a short period of walking around the mall, we settled on the second store we went into. I mean, it’s a black coat and black pants. How hard can it be? We were told to speak to the “formal wear expert” to pick out coat style, pants, shoes, ties….so many pieces to discuss. I kept thinking “it’s just a black coat and pants….how hard can it be?” After we made all the pertinent decisions, Formal Wear Expert suggested that Ryan go ahead and get measured for his tux. Sure, I thought, what would be simpler? Ryan stood up while the “measuring specialist” was summoned. He sauntered over loudly smacking his gum and wearing a tape measure around his neck. I wondered what the training to become a measuring specialist might be. Do they have a measure-off involving store mannequins and stop watches? Do they have competitions involving the ability to guess someone’s measurements through a winter coat? Do they get a pay increase when going from Measuring Guy to Measuring Specialist? Measuring Specialist began sizing up Ryan’s various parts with lightning speed while simultaneously shouting the numbers to Formal Wear Expert (Note: Not a specialist. He’s working his way up?). It was all happening so fast that I started to giggle. Arms! In Seam! Waist! Shoe! Numbers flew back and forth while Ryan stood in the middle of the store with his arms out, bored. That’s when it happened. Formal Wear Expert asked Ryan a question that will mystify me for years to come. Weight? And he shouted it, just shy of using a megaphone. I gasped and turned toward Ryan to try and soften the blow, but before I could offer any sort of “you don’t have to answer that” or “I’ll handle this”, Ryan blurted his weight right out. Calmly, like they asked him his favorite color or high score in Grand Theft Auto. Loudly. Like it wasn’t a secret. I was dumbfounded. My mind started to race. I looked around, terrified, but everyone seemed unaffected. Formal Wear Expert continued to type information into the computer about Ryan. Measuring Specialist had already disappeared to measure elsewhere. Ryan sat down next to me, bored. I was struck speechless. Did he not realize that he had just SHOUTED his WEIGHT in a RETAIL STORE in a MALL? IN PUBLIC? I should say, Ryan’s weight is perfect. He doesn’t have any extra….but no matter. You just don’t shout your number in public! You just don’t!