Small Town USA - Volume 1

I had a bad day the other day. A day that starts out bad right when you wake up but haven’t opened your eyes yet. I do that. I keep my eyes closed for a good minute or so before flashing them open just long enough to see what time it is. Then I do the math in my head….7:35 minus 8:25 plus 2 extra minutes since I need to iron today minus 2 minutes if I don’t shave my legs…..carry the 1…..oh forget it I’m hitting snooze again. Usually my mind is wide awake long hours before my lead body stirs. On this particular bad day morning, I just knew something wasn’t going to go right. My first problem was that I was getting up unnaturally early to get my car tags renewed. If you’ve read my book or heard me speak or known me longer than 15 minutes, you know that I HATE GETTING MY CAR TAGS RENEWED. I hate it with a fiery rage that burns without ceasing. Like a paper cut right under my fingernail. Like eavesdroppers – and people, I hate eavesdroppers. Still, I trudged out of bed and slept in the shower and somehow made it out the door with a Diet Coke and a pop-tart.

My new house is in Spring Hill, right over the Williamson County line into Maury County (pronounced Murray County even though CLEARLY it is not spelled mur-ee, it is spelled mar-ee, but nonetheless…). Since I know live in Maury (Murray) County, I had to drive to the County Clerks office in Columbia. I’ll say, when people in Nashville talk about going to Columbia, they get a faraway look in their eye like someone going on a voyage around the world. This always made me laugh until the first time I went to Columbia to start electricity at my new house. My phone call to the electric company went something like this:

Her: Duck River Electric, can I helpya? (while smacking Juicy Fruit so loud I had to turn down the phone volume)
Me: Yes, I need to sign up for new service.
H: Why sure Honey! Just come on down here and we’ll gitcha fixed up.
M: I’m actually in Franklin, is there a form you could email me?
H: (Silence)
M: Do you have a form that you could fax to me that I could sign and fax back?
H: (Long pause) Honey, why don’t you just come on in and we’ll gitcha fixed right up!
M: Where is your office located?
H: Columbia.
M: (Thinking about that far away look…) OK, I’m working in Franklin, so I don’t really have time to come down there during business hours. Is there a way I can do this over the phone or by fax?
H: (Long pause) Did you need directions?

I wrote down the directions in a fury and called Ryan to tell him that our lunch plans had just been changed. We got in the car at 11:30am and headed south to Columbia. This won’t be so bad, I thought. It might be nice to finally learn where Columbia is located…might be a nice drive. After 60 minutes of driving through the vast Tennessee hillsides, we finally arrived at the Duck River Electric compound which consisted of one shady looking brown building with one single door, no windows, and light fixtures from 1973, give or take a decade. There was also a thirty year old drive-through window with that slanty green glass I remember from childhood trips to the bank with my mom. I always thought the window would fall out and crash onto our car. It never did. Walking into Duck River electric felt like walking into a bad 70’s horror movie - I could even hear the slasher music in the background. Miss Duck River (hey…maybe she was Miss Duck River in 1968!) kindly said “hi ya’ll” and presented us with a filing card to fill out. That’s right….we filled out a card that will be placed in a big drawer under “I” for Illingworth. It took all of five minutes, but we were gone from work for almost two hours. Small Town USA. My new home.

More to come....