The Man

Corporate America gives me gas.

Signs

So there's this...



And then there's this....



I keep wondering if my husband is trying to prepare for an alien invasion.

T.G.I.F.

Dear Mrs. GMC SUV from Williamson County,

You don't know me. But I know you. You and your big giant white SUV. You and your cashmere hoodie and your black diamond-studded sunglasses. You and your manicured nails and your pink razor cell phone that's glued to your left ear.

We met this morning on I-65. I was the girl wearing the white long sleeved t-shirt under a green short sleeved t-shirt driving a reasonably sized black Toyota Corolla. I was the girl minding her own business, driving to work. I was the girl who had just kissed her husband and doggie good-bye. I was the girl thinking about all the things I need to accomplish today.

The reason I know so much about you is because you swerved within an INCH OF MY LIFE. You and your big fat SUV came over into my lane without any notice of me. I suppose you thought my little car could just hop out of the way. I suppose you wanted to get ahead of the person in front of you and never bothered to look and see if anyone was beside you. You just came on over, like it was your right because you were simply too busy talking on the phone to look over your shoulder. You just swerved into me, nearly slamming into me. There were literal centimeters between us. I could see what color your eye shadow was. Your idiotic action caused me to slam on my brakes and swerve into the median (nearly flipping my car, I'm sure) and everyone behind us to slam on their brakes and swerve. You and your big giant pointless SUV nearly cost me my life. I like my life. I really don't want it to end on I-65 on my way to work.

Even as I slammed and swerved and honked, even as traffic five cars behind slammed and swerved and cursed and honked, you just kept blabbing, never noticing any of us. And why would you? I'm sure you're far too important and busy to notice a girl like me, on her way to work. I'm sure you were off to a massage or a pedicure or a shopping spree. I hope you have a nice day. I hope your pedicure gives you a toenail fungus that hasn't yet been identified and your big toe rots and falls off.

Good day to you,
JoAnna

O.O. J.

Every single day I get more annoying. Obnoxious. I am totally aggravated with myself.

I don't know, but maybe it's the new office scenario? For the past five years I've worked with five or less people during the day. Now I have face to face conversations with 25+ people every single day. It's fun to meet new people and make new friends, fun to interact with so many people every day. However, I leave most of my new conversations thinking "JoAnna! Tone it down!" Overly Obnoxious Jo is blaring at full speed and Glamorous Jo is nowhere to be found. I tell wild stories and talk too loud. I make sarcastic commments and find that I'm the only one laughing. Even as I see the troubled or disinterested look on my listener's face....I keep going. I keep talking. Louder. Waving my hands excitedly as if they will distract people from my pointless and trivial words. I can't seem to stop myself. Several times each day I find myself thinking...SHUT THE HECK UP! Sure, this part of my personality can be cute and charming - but not in such large and ear piercing doses.

Friends, it's true. I am turning into my mother.

MinnieSpace

It's true that in the past few weeks I've been on the computer more than I have been in the past year. And I have a new dog. A new cute dog who loves to play and snuggle. A new dog who tries to jump into my lap everytime I'm on the computer. I've been working on my book so I've had to say no many many times and tell her to get down. Every time she looks sad and walks away slowly turning her face back to me to make sure I know just how cute she is. To make sure I know what a mean Mommy I am to refuse to play with her, constantly typing words words words. And I know just how cute she is....but the work. The work!

I've suspected her jealousy of the computer, her need for my attention. How wrong I was. My dog didn't want my attention, she wanted her turn with the ibook. Today I got home and found her like this:



What was she doing on the computer you ask? Creating this. Apparently she's on a quest to become the most popular dog on the World Wide Web. Even as I write this, she's staring at me waiting for her turn.

You Wouldn't Believe...

--how many times a week one of my Pop-Tarts gets stuck in the toaster
--how wretched my hair looks these days
--how unbelievably busy work has been lately
--how high my dog can jump
--how high and how fast the weeds in my yard can grow...but no grass
--how much I miss seeing these girls every single day

--how cute it is when little Alex says "JoNanna"

--how much I screamed in the last minute of Lost last night
--how much I jumped up and down saying YAY when Paris got kicked off AI last night
--how much the corporate world is robbing me of my very soul with all its rules and regulations
--how tired I am

Self Portrait Tuesday: Introduce Yourself (The Facts)

So this is me, GlamJo. And my husband, Perfect Ryan. And my dog, Minnie. Basically all of the residents of Illingworth Manor - minus The Duck. He wasn't too interested in being a part of the family photo. Punk. So I guess I should tell you about myself since it's Introduce Yourself month over at SPT. Below is a list from which you can deduce whether or not you would let me into your clubhouse.

Things I Like:
-Thunderstorms
-Jack Bauer and Chloe O'Brien, equally
-Speeding
-Ryan's shoulders
-Books
-The final four contestants on American Idol (assuming Paris gets kicked off tonight...please oh please let Paris be gone)
-Jo from Super Nanny
-The mirror in the first floor bathroom of my office building that makes me look Lohan thin
-Honesty
-My friends' babies
-Pop-Tarts
-Clean sheets

Things I Don't Like:
-Tailgaters
-Sushi
-Wet socks
-Sharks
-Awkward pauses with people I've just met that make me certain they have just decided that they don't like me as much as they originally thought
-Donald Trump
-That commercial about toenail fungus with the animated, dancing fungus
-Liars
-Gum that doesn't hold it's flavor
-When people from the south mispronounce words like JoAnna and Maury and Versailles. (For the record, my fellow southerners, it's not "Joanne" and it's not "Murray" and it's not "Versales". Idiots.)

So be it.

Live from Haiti

So my old boss, Bob, is currently in Haiti working on the orphanage. {Side note: Check out Hands and Feet for a worthy cause and to learn more about the orphanage.} He just sent me this picture.



I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while.

#1 - He's 40.
#2 - He's a guy.
#3 - He has five kids.
#4 - He's in Haiti.
#5 - He's a 40-year old guy in Haiti reading my little book about breaking up.

Does this mean I've gone global?

I Have a New Love

When I was a young girl I loved sugar cookies - the kind with the hole in the middle. You could wear them like a ring feeling glamorous while turning and nibbling. When I think of these cookies I think of Sunday school and Vacation Bible school. Fun little cookies for fun little girls.

When I got a little older I loved chocolate oatmeal cookies. I would make them with my mom - and they were the one thing I was allowed to make by myself. I loved stirring the melty chocolate with the oatmeal flakes. I loved dropping them onto the cookie sheet and waiting for them to cool. I always made them for Santa. And I always made one special cookie that was bigger than the rest hoping I would get it. It usually went to my dad.

And I love fudge stripe cookies. And I love Chips Ahoy. And I love peanut butter cookies and oatmeal cookies and snickerdoodles and chocolate grahams. But I'll tell ya, there is one cookie that reigns supreme. One cookie that trumps all cookie tastes and cookie memories. One cookie that literally has power over me. The Girl Scout Samoa. Good Grief this cookie is amazing. I could literally eat them until I vomited. I have not actually done this, but I could. I would. Thankfully I didn't discover the Girl Scout Samoa until I was a mature adult and knew that vomiting cookies would only ruin my love of them. And I love them. They are my most favorite. MOST. FAVORITE.

Until today.

Today, I discovered a cookie that makes even the beloved Samoa shudder in fear. A cookie so perfect, so utterly delicious, that other cookies are jumping from glass ledges to their milky deaths. A cookie that might overtake my entire life. A cookie I could quit my job for. A cookie I would steal for. The cookie of my dreams.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, I give you.....The Peanut Butter Oreo (Double Stuffed).



And speaking of things that could cause me to be forced into Sugar Rehab by loving family members....have you seen this? I mean, really, have you SEEN this?



Samoas Ice Cream? Peanut Butter Oreos?

Helpful Hint: Crumble up the PB Oreos into the Samoas ice cream. Unzip jeans. Enjoy.

Update

So guess what? I am still alive! It's true! I know I've been absent but hey, give a girl a break. I just finished writing more words than my husband will ever utter in his lifetime. I needed a word break. I haven't really been doing anything spectacular unless you consider walking my dog and cleaning my house and playing Nertz spectacular....AND I DO. MY LIFE RULES. Also, my job has suddenly become psycho busy X 1,000. That does not rule. I promise to return soon with my boring stories and obvious observations and annoying gloats about my Perfect Ryan and my Minnie Dog. I'm sure we'll all be richer for it.

P.S. - THANKS so kindly for all the well wishes about my book. I truly appreciate all the kindness and encouragement, especially at such a time as this. Below are some answers to some questions:

1. I turned the manuscript in to my editor, the fabulous Kate, who will now either rip it to shreds or will say "it's ok". I'm hoping for the latter.

2. I have a publishing deal with W Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson. I would provide links but I'm too tired. If you've ever heard of the author Max Lucado, he's on W Publishing. I have not sold as many books as Max Lucado.

3. I don't know when this book will come out, probably later this fall. Don't worry, as soon as I know I will sound the alarm. Loudly.

4. Yes, writing an entire book is terrifying and crazy hard and WAY too self-revealing for my taste. But it's also so fun. And rewarding. And terrifying. And writing this book was unbelievably harder than writing the first. I hope I get to do it again.

5. Here is a picture of my dog.


Oh come on, you saw that coming a mile away.