Goodnight Sweetheart

Have you ever fallen into an empty well and landed with a painful thud?
Have you ever been kicked in the face by a mule?
Have you ever gotten an Indian burn that lasted for an entire day?
Have you ever had your toe stomped on so hard that your toenail broke off?
Have you ever read an unexpected letter and felt your heart stop?

For me, one of these statements is true...although all of them feel true. I definitely felt a loud thud. The burning hasn't subsided. I got an ovenighted letter delivered to my front porch today. It was from my publisher. It was a break-up letter.

I thought getting married meant that I wouldn't have to break-up anymore. I thought I had hung up my "Break-Up Queen" sash for good. I thought I had heard "you're not pretty enough to be my wife" and "I'm depressed because you're here" for the last time. (For you newcomers...both of those statements were actually said to me by men I stupidly loved.) But today, the day that started out horrific thanks to the Maury County DMV, turned out to be the day I got dumped...again.

I'm sorry.....what? Come again?

Yup. I got dumped. Sure...the letter said things about financial blah blah and wrong timing whatever. But what it really said was "We don't like you anymore so we're sending you this letter that says psuedo nicety nice things that are really just a clever disguise to say that we're over it. We're over you. Don't call us." After I already turned in my manuscript. After I already signed the contract. After I already had a release date for the book. Apparently my first book was "disappointing" although all I ever heard was that it was "exceeding expectations". Funny. Were their expectations so low?

And I get it. I've been on the Dumper side of things when we've had to let bands go due to financial blah blah and wrong timing whatever...and it sucks. It hurts. You try to say things that will help or soothe or correct. But nothing works. It just hurts.

So that's it I guess. The book I worked so hard on, the book I cried over and prayed over and then cried some more over....dumped.

I am heartbroken.

I haven't really told anyone yet. It's too fresh and too humiliating and too.....horrific. I realize that my friends and family will be nothing but understanding. I realize that none of them will laugh at me or judge me. And I'll tell them...I will. I'm just too chicken at the moment. I'm not ready to say, "Hey, by the way, I'm a huge failure." And I do have friends who read this blog - I know that writing this will blow my cover. But this is my only way to deal at the moment. Somehow, it feels safer to tell The Internets (friends included). Like typing my letter of woe to no one in particular will send me a collective hug of comfort.

And dude, I need a hug.