Everything Looks Good (Bad)

I'm not going to talk about the surgery and the crushing disappointment that I feel. The overwhelming Why. I just can't.

Instead I'll talk about the pain and how I far underestimated its intensity. I'll talk about the IV and how it burned. The nurses who were so kind and genuine. The support hose they put on me to prevent blood clots. How the other patients were there for cataracts. How when it actually happens, it happens fast. How I was awake for a moment in the O.R. and I saw all the instruments and metal devices as they spread out my arms like I would be flying. If only I could have flown.....

I'll talk about my friends and how kind they all were and the beautiful flowers they brought. How Perfect Ryan took the news, which showed me how much he loves me. How he cared for me 24 hours after 24 hours with no sign of exasperation or boredom or annoyance. How daytime television sucks when you don't have cable. How the nurses look at you differently, afterwards, when the news isn't what you had hoped.

And it wasn't what I had hoped.

The good news is that "everything looks healthy" which sounds like a celebration is in order. But. The point of this surgery was to find the source of pain that's been beating me down for the last seven months. Instead they found nothing. So - I went through this painful surgery, painful recovery, only to be told "we still don't know what's wrong".

Sigh.