Christmas Tour of Illingworth Manor

Ya'll, I'm so happy.

Oh, you see right through me don't you? Well you're right, I'm not happy. I'm moody. For the past few weeks I've been on the verge of a hysterical meltdown or a psychotic break or a fit of maniacal rage. Does that sound dramatic? What I'm trying to say is that I cannot watch those Publix Christmas commercials anymore - it simply takes too long to reapply mascara every commercial break. I feel like a weepy contestant on the Biggest Loser...only I'm still a "before". I don't know what is up with me. Maybe it's the epidemic of divorce sweeping through my friends and family. You think?

But.

I am so happy. Because it's Christmas! All over! I've spent my entire Christmas budget on gas just driving around looking at Christmas lights. And to all of you who live near me and have done it up big and bright - I could kiss you. The twinkles lift my spirits. And! BooMama is once again hosting the Christmas Tour of Homes! Take a look...and head on over to BooMama to share in the Christmas goodness for yourself!

And now...Christmas at Illingworth Manor.



Notice Minnie Dog lurking behind The Duck...waiting to pounce. Those crazy kids!



Behold! The White Tree! And that Ho! sweater cracks me up every time.



Remote controls for both trees. A little device that changes the season from GRRR to AHHH!!!



Addison and Santa - BFF!



Since I've made seven batches of cookies and brownies from scratch and homeade cheescakes and...and...and...Ryan got me these cute canisters! Isn't he nice?



My Christmas Crazy cannot be contained. No it cannot.



Bedroom Christmas.



The Christmas Village...



...and its Demon Child that haunts my dreams.



The Mantle of Christmas Dreams. If you look closely, you can see TOTALLY CUTE sweaters, hats and gloves that spell out Christmas.



See?



Some of my favorite ornaments...







Behold! The Green Tree! And you should know...this photo is blurry-ish because my tree, it spins. ALL. THE. WAY. AROUND. If you love Christmas and you don't have a rotating tree, go and get one.

Right now.

Go ahead.

I'll wait.



And finally, my little Christmas Angel.....



Merry Christmas, Ya'll!

Why Are These Jeans So Tight? A Christmas Story in Three Parts

Going.



Going.



Gone.

Cooking with Glam Jo

Seriously, what's better than Cupcakes?

Cheesecake.

And what's better than Cheesecake?

Cheesecake Cupcakes.

And what's better than Cheesecake Cupcakes?

Christmas Cheesecake Cupcakes.

Here we go.

First, start with your ingrediants.



Ingrediants:
3 8 oz. packages of cream cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
4 eggs (yes, FOUR!)
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Topping:
1 cup sour cream
1/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Kiwi and strawberries

Preheat oven to 325F.



Line 24 regular muffin cups with paper cupcake liners.



Pretty!

In a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese until very smooth.



Dig out mixer that has been in the back of a cabinet since last baking season. Notice that beaters are missing. Search HIGH AND LOW for beaters. Huff and puff. Stomp foot. Shake fist at the fact that you were not at the Oprah Favorite Things show where everyone got a fabulous new KitchenAid Mixer of Dreams. Continue looking for lost beaters. Continue being irritated. Wonder if mixer will work as is.



Think that no, it won't.

Dig out random hand mixer that always seems to disappoint. Try it on the cream cheese. Fail miserably.



Decide to mix by hand and pure gumption.



Open a Diet Root Beer as this is going to take a while.



Add the sugar and mix well. By hand since, well, you know.



Add the eggs and vanilla and mix well. Rub burning biceps.



While stirring, watch old episodes of Project Runway that Tivo thought you might like. Episodes that aired BCT - Before Cable and Tivo.



Look away from Heidi and Tim long enough to realize that the batter, she is mixed.



Fill the cups about half full with batter. Do not drip any batter on the pan.



Woops.

Bake for about 25 minutes. Eat a Christmas cookie as all this work has made you hungry.



Mmmmm.

Make the topping: Combine the sour cream, sugar and vanilla and stir well with a metal spoon or spatula. Thank Paula Dean for, at this point, not suggesting the mixer again.



Spoon about 2 teaspoons on top of each Christmas Cheesecake Cupcake and return to the oven for 5 minutes to glaze.



Remove the Christmas Cheesecake Cupcakes from teh oven. When they can be handled safely, remove them from the muffin pan and let cool completely on wire racks. When completely cool, place them in plastic containers with lids and refrigerate until ready to serve. Just before serving, decorate with slivers of freshly cut fruit.



Hey Ryan, what do you think about the Christmas Cheesecake Cupcakes?



Oh good. Hey Minnie, what do you think about the Christmas Cheesecake Cupcakes?



I see.

This has been cooking with Glam Jo.

A Meme for You

A strange meme that I stole from SecondHandGods.

What kind of soap is in your bathtub?
Scum.

HaHa, and some body wash - Oil of Olay I think? It can make Ryan look younger too.

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
No.

What would you change about your living room?
I would add a giant flat screen over the fireplace.

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
Dirty. But last night I came home and discovered that Ryan had run the dishwasher. He's full of surprises.

What is in your refrigerator?
Leftover Hamburger Helper - Ryan's choice. Butter and eggs for making cookies tonight. Apples. Tostitos Spinach Dip, which I like to call AWESOME. Diet Sunkist and Diet A&W Root Beer. Tortillas. Cheese.

White or wheat bread?
Wheat.

What is on top of your refrigerator?
Dust. Blue canisters that are empty. Dog treats. Stale cereal.

What color or design is on your shower curtain?
White with see-through holes. I like to know what's coming.

How many plants are in your home?
I haven't yet figured out how to keep something alive inside the house.

Is your bed made right now?
Never.

Comet or Soft Scrub?
Soft Scrub and Method cleaning stuff from Target.

Is your closet organized?
Is YOURS?

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Glass. Or a can.

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
No, but I do have pink lemonade.

If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
Ryan and I have a very strict rule that we should ALWAYS park our cars in the garage. That is what a garage is for. Parking cars. Not the driveway. Not the street. You should park IN the garage. And we do.

Curtains or blinds?
Blinds.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two.

Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
No, I like it dark.

How often do you vacuum?
Ideally once a week. Or, when dog hair starts floating through the air. My friend Tiffany vacuums EVERY. DAY. She even did this in college in her 6x6 dorm room. I do not vacuum every day.

Standard toothbrush or electric?
Standard.

What color is your toothbrush?
Pink.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
Yes, a Christmas one with three snowmen. My brother Drew was here last weekend and when he saw it he called his wife and said "take back the rug we got Jo, she already has it on her front porch."

What is in your oven right now?
The anticipation of cookies.

Is there anything under your bed?
Duck clothes.

Chore you hate doing the most?
Grocery shopping. Getting my car tags renewed.

What retro items are in your home?
If by "retro" you mean hand-me-down furniture, then, a lot.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
If by "office" you mean "junk room that also has a desk in it" then yes, yes I do.

How many mirrors are in your home?
Too many. Or maybe it's not enough?

What color are your walls?
Kitchen is bright blue and I LOVE it. Bedroom is half-painted red and I will be changing it very very soon. Guest bath is green and I love it as well. Everything else is kind of a blah beige.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
Minnie Dog the Brave.

What does your home smell like right now?
The anticipation of cookies.

Favorite candle scent?
Not flowers.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
I don't like pickles.

What color is your favorite Bible?
Ok, a lot of these questions have been weird, but this one is almost stalker-ish weird.

Ever been on your roof?
Ryan won't allow it.

Do you have a stereo?
I'm a marketing director at a record company, of course I do.

How many TVs do you have?
Two, but still waiting for that flat screen. Did you hear that Santa? FLAT. SCREEN.

How many house phones?
We are a cellular family.

Do you have a housekeeper?
HAHahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

What style do you decorate in?
I read Domino magazine and think "hey, that's a good idea, I should do that!"....and that's about as far as it gets. But I have good intentions.

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
I haven't bought any grown-up furniture yet but I think I would pick a solid.

Is there a smoke detector in your house?
Many. And they are currently POSSESSED with the Devil himself. We've had to turn the breaker off just to get them to shut up.

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you'd grab if you could make only one trip?
Minnie Dog and photo albums.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Why, you ask?

-Cookies become a suitable option for breakfast
-Lights! Lights! Lights!
-Finding the perfect ornament
-Shopping for friends and family
-Shopping for friends and family and finding the perfect thing
-Normally grumpy people suddenly decorating their offices and drinking from Christmas mugs
-Remembering that God came to earth in the most vulnerable way...just for us
-75% off
-Watching Elf and Home Alone and Clark Griswold and A Christmas Story
-Singing Jingle Bells in the car.......loud
-Babies in Santa hats
-Rotating Christmas trees
-Buying eggnog in bulk
-Baking
-Christmas Bunco
-Two weeks off from work

30 Rock

"I once had a rule about no sex with Asians. But then one day you walk into Sharper Image and there's Kwan."

Oh Jenna, I love you so.

Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It

Ok.

Please raise your hand if you saw yesterday's Oprah starring the House of Hoard.

Keep it raised if you also saw today's Part Two: The Hoarder's Warehouse of Pain.

Keep it raised if more than four times you gasped in horror and hit rewind and then gasped louder and almost choked from all the gasped air.

Keep it raised if you, at least once, thought "Could that possibly ever happen to me?" I mean, this poor woman would just shop every single day and create piles and piles of ridiculous things that she could never possibly use or need. She couldn't even enter certain rooms of her house! Things were piled to the ceiling! The stuff!!!

But ya'll, keep that hand raised up high if after the episode you thought about that poor crazy woman and her poor crazy shopping insanity... and then you thought about that Santa Claus toilet seat cover you bought today for your guest bathroom. And then you felt the icy shiver of foreshadowing creeping up your spine.




Oh Tivo, sometimes you make me happier than free movie passes. Sometimes you just drain the blood from my arm.

My Hidden Crazy

Sometimes I wonder if my family is secretly from the North Pole because of our love of all things Christmas. And ya'll, we love us some Christmas. Half the reason we vacation in the Smokey Mountains is because we love going to The Christmas Place. More than once. In the same day. With their rooms and rooms and rooms of anything your Santa Baby could ever hope to find. We love Christmas cookies and Christmas stories and Christmas carols and the Christmas story and the Baby Jesus. And chestnuts roasting on an open fire. And chasing squirrels around the Griswald house. And Kevin ordering a cheese pizza, you filthy animal.

And boy oh boy, do we love to decorate. My parents have four Christmas trees including one that rotates...all the way around. We are very serious about our trees and our lights and our Christmas dishes.

In fact.

Today is November 14th and my house is already decked out. Top to bottom. We're drinking from Snowman glasses and watching Tivo by twinkle lights. We've got both trees set up on a remote control. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Minnie's even tried on her reindeer costume.

But here's the thing. Since it's November 14th, we have only expoded ornaments on the inside of Illingworth Manor. The neighbors are not aware that we have visions of sugarplums dancing in our heads. We know better.

But my brother Drew and his lovely wife Kellie....they are not so smart. They have gone and lit up the entire neighborhood with their holiday display. They live in a new neighborhood that doesn't have street lights yet but it doesn't matter - Harris Manor is a beacon in the night. Apparently they don't know! They don't know that you aren't supposed to show your crazy! I mean, a couple wreaths in the window would be one thing - but Drew made a runway out of lights that says Santa! Stop! Here! And it's only November 14th!

Yup, he's my brother.

And he reads this website. Maybe he'll send us all a photo to enjoy? I mean, if you're going to show your crazy...SHOW IT PROUD!

Couple Things

-Last night I hosted Boo Bunco at Illingworth Manor. Halloween parties in November rule. Uh-huh.

-Pushing Daises is not on tonight due to the Country Music Industry congratulating themselves. Boo.

-This weekend I went to Birmingham with 40 of my co-workers. On a bus. For staff retreat. And on the way the bus broke down. In the middle of the night. On the side of the road in the middle of nowhere in the FREEZING cold. With 40 of my co-workers. We got home at 5:30. In the morning.

-My sister-in-law Kellie just informed me that she already started decorating her house for Christmas. She BEAT me. I've got to step up my game. To get Ryan on board with the decorating I must woo him with eggnog. That dude is a fool for eggnog.

-Have you heard about Special K Chocolatey Delight? Because I might marry it. FOR LIFE.

-I hate getting the oil changed in my car. Hate.

-Today I heard a dirty dirty vicious rumor that if this writer's strike does not cease and desist this instant, the new season of Lost might be postponed until February 2009. If that scenario actually plays out I think we all know what will happen to me. I. Will. Die.

Boo!

The Duck says Happy Halloween to you.

Minnie says if I don't get her out of that chicken costume immediately, it's going to get ugly.

Real ugly.

Waiting for November 1st

There are three things that terrify me.

Dark shower curtains.
Empty theater bathrooms.
Haunted Houses.

Ok and sharks.

Every Halloween season I'm forced to face the Haunted House issue. There are always friends who want to go. Or brothers. Or husbands. And I'm always forced to say "Sorry, I can't. Because it's too scary. And because I'm a big chicken." I remember several years ago when I was living in a house with five other girls and a big group of friends decided to go to the Haunted Prison. A multi-level stone prison that's frightening enough on a spring afternoon let alone when it's been converted into a Haunted House. When my friends decided to go I wanted to say no. I needed to say no. I SHOULD have said no. Instead I said YEAH! and WOO! like I was part of the popular crowd. I'm an adult now, I thought. It's just pretend, I considered. Nothing is actually going to happen to me, I chanted. All the way there. I was determined to overcome my silly fear. Determined to be a cool kid for once. Not the nerd who hyperventilates and has to sit in the back of the emergency ambulance embarrassing your friends and yourself. (Yes, this has happened to me.) I made it all the way to the entry of the Haunted Prison before freaking out and leaving. They said if I left I couldn't get my $15 back and that was fine with me. Just the idea of going inside made my heart race too fast and every surface of my skin sweat and itch. I went and sat on a picnic table at the exit, no doubt provided for moms waiting for their children. And chickens.

About an hour later I see my friends coming out and I finally feel some relief. Finally breathe normally. Finally stop shivering. And right at that moment, Freddy Krueger charges towards me, chainsaw blazing. Me! The one sitting with the parents! In the safe-chicken zone!

I nearly broke the picnic table in half trying to get away. Screaming.

My friends nearly hyperventilated. Laughing.

Waterworks

Sooooo....I haven't written anything lately. It isn't that nothing has happened it's just how do you follow a post about your most insanely private? And you've spilled it to the entire World Wide Web. I mean really. Who do I think I am? So I want to say something else, anything else. Maybe a joke? Or a clever observation? Or a list or something? I'm having a little trouble coming up with anything other than the fact that I cried in my office today in front of my boss. I ask you, is there anything worse? As a woman you try so hard to be strong and professional and respected. You work doubly hard to make sure that NO man can accuse you of being "hormonal" or whatever. One tear and all of the respect you've earned goes flying out the first floor window. The crying was work related. Something I can't really talk about here. What I will tell you is that I'm going through some stuff. And the stuff ain't nice. I've had several meetings lately where information was shared that made me want to cry like a howler monkey but I've managed to keep my cool. Until today. And ya'll, it was ugly. And then I had to face the rest of the day with burning eyeballs and no mascara.

And it's Monday.

And it rained all day.

And a guy at work said, "You know, if you were smaller right in here (pointing to his hips) you would be really proportionate."

Umm, thanks? I mean, I hate you?

What?

Good times.

The One Where You Learn Everything

We got back home Saturday afternoon to a jam packed Tivo and I immediately did what any respectable person in my situation would do - I spent all weekend watching TV! Coming home from vacation was a little depressing since it meant facing a reality I wasn't yet prepared to face - but a full Tivo queue made it a little easier to solider through. That is, until I watched Private Practice's take on a "broken hoo-ha" and how they wrapped it up so nice and neat in a mere 45 minutes. And how the Virgin was all happy and elated that she finally got her wedding night magic after a quick diagnosis and a couple shots and some deep breathing and acupuncture.

Newsflash my dear Internets. In the real world it doesn't quite work this way.

No ma'am. It does not.

How it really works is this:
You go on your honeymoon with your new husband with the lips! and the shoulders! and things don't go very well. There's pain. And not the "minor discomfort" you're friends warned you about. There's searing pain. Unbearable pain. Shocking and intense pain. Pain you have never experienced on any level. Raw, scary hurtful pain. Then you call your doctor friend who says to call your gynecologist and you go in for an anxious appointment and she does an exam and presses on your full bladder with an ultrasound wand while you worry about tumors and flesh eating bacteria and she says "things look good, just relax and keep trying" so you do that. And it doesn't help. Doesn't work. There's still the white hot pain. So you go back in a couple months and there are more tests and more head scratching and the mention of surgery. You say no thank you because it's surgery but things continue to spiral down a deep and depressing hole and you start to feel like a failure as a wife and a failure as a woman and a failure (if ever!) as a future mother so you re-think the big S. And you talk to Perfect Ryan about it and you both agree that maybe this will work since after all it's been 6 months and this problem, she is getting old. So you have surgery. And they find nothing. And then you cry for about a week solid and feel hopeless and broken and dysfunctional and weird. And for a while you just do nothing. You don't go to the doctor and you don't try and you don't even think about it. Because nothing seems to be working. And then your friend tells you about a clinic that specializes in helping women with sexual dysfunction and you say "that's nice" while thinking to yourself that you would NEVER want to go to such a place. And you continue to try not to think about the awfulness of it all. And then one day you get up the nerve to call the clinic and make an appointment. And they do (yet another) exam that's simply embarrassing and painful and bad. But also they tell you that there's hope. That there's a name for this madness. That all the people who said "just relax" and "have a glass of wine" and "you're just nervous" can shove it. And this makes you feel better. And then they prescribe some muscle relaxers and creams and devices and exercises and physical therapy. And going to physical therapy means one more person that asks you to take off your pants. And you're really tired of taking off your pants. But you do it anyway because you want answers. You want healing. You want an end to the overwhelming physical and emotional pain. And the things you have to do at physical therapy, the things you do behind closed doors while everyone else is walking on treadmills and lifting dumbbells a mere 3 feet away, well those things make you feel like staying at home with the covers pulled over you head. Forever. But you go once a week. Every week. Behind the closed door. And then you have to do at home therapy that is painful and awkward and laughable and just plain strange. And the romance is gone. And sex has become a lights up science experiment that no one enjoys. But you press on. You press on because you have to. You need to. Because you will not let this define you and your relationship. But it does. And you hate that. And one day you find yourself two and half years down the road thinking that you never thought it would be like this. And thinking that it's a good thing you married such an amazing, patient, kind person. And wondering when the nightmare will end. That, my dear Internets, is how it really is.

Let's all join hands and take a deep breath because here it comes.


Hello, my name is Glam Jo, and I have Vaginismus.

Reason #29

Reason #29 Why I love Ryan Illingworth:



He Rocks.



P.S. Lately things around ye olde Illingworth Manor have been....stressful. Work developments that have caused loud sighs and tears and anger and drama. Health issues that we still hate even though they've been around so long they are starting to seem like an old friend. Bills that invariably show up at the worst moment. Disc 5 of Heroes Season 1 taking FOREVER to show up in the mailbox. So we're going on vacation. A vacation from our problems.

Bye.

I have a card in my office with this quote on the front:

"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

.........keep going.

Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Pro Am Race For The Cure

-Michael hitting Meredith with his car and giving her a "pelvical fracture"
-Stanley!
-"I'm sorry, WHAT IS we're fine."
-"There's a fungal cream because she has an infection under her tail."
-"I love my employees, even though I hit one of them with my car."
-Michael giving Meredith a full body hug on the hospital bed so she'll forgive him in front of everyone
-"She's in a better place. And that place is your freezer."
-"I'm not superstitious. I'm just a littlestitious."
-"Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat."
-"With the electricity that we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical"
-PB&J's kiss
-"I'm petrified of nipple chaffing."
-"Just a couple of kittens out on the town."
-"All my bags of frozen fries had been clawed to shreds."
-"I didn't see where it started but I did see where it ended."
-"Myth: Three Americans die every year from rabies. Fact: Four Americans die every year from rabies."
-"It is the silent killer. No, it is the foaming, barking killer."
-"Oh hey, very cool you went back and got your degree!"
-The check made out to science.
-Dwight shooting a real gun.

The Dreamboat Cometh

Finally, today is the day.



And this weekend I plan to write a re-cap of all the new/returning shows of this week. Excited?

How To Find Me

Recent Google searches that have led people to my door, as it were.

-No underwear
-catamaran from Jaws
-human sparkler
-cement ducks
-school square pizza
-hurts when blink
-clear suitcase
-toe throbbing
-deodorize birkenstock
-rapturous love
-cymbal flips
-halloween bunco

Is this an overall summary of my blog? I'm accident prone, forget my underwear (not true!), scared of sharks, and love to eat while playing the drums and bunco and dressing my duck?

Well, yeah.

The One Where I Realize That Impulse Coloring is Still Not A Good Idea

Well I’ve gone and done it again.

I’m not what you’d call a girly girl. I don’t wear eyeliner or lipstick. I don’t fret about what “outfit” to wear since I only ever wear a black t-shirt and jeans. Sometimes a grey t-shirt. I don’t wear hair accessories, wouldn’t even know how. I don’t “style” my hair. I’m currently still wearing flip-flops every day and carrying a summer purse! My friend Tiffany will read that last sentence and swoon…since polite southern girls don’t faint. I’m not butch, per se, I’m more of the plain jane variety. I don’t do things with my appearance to draw attention to myself as this makes me nervous*. My friend Tiffany is just the opposite of me. She’s girly through and through and then back around again. She’s the kind of lady (and yes, a Lady) who matches her shoes to her purse every day. My first memory of Tiffany is at an intramural sorority volleyball game where she showed up wearing a purple swishy wind suit and full jewelry – earrings, necklace, bracelets, rings and fresh nail polish. I’m pretty sure I was wearing yesterday’s ponytail and a dirty t-shirt I had moments ago dug out from a pile on my dorm room floor. We were playing volleyball for crying out loud - not trying out for Homecoming court! From that moment on it became Tiffany’s mission to make me more Lady-ish. To style my hair and make me wear an “outfit” to class.

*Maybe in another post on another day we can explore why drawing attention with my appearance makes me nervous but drawing attention with my personality gives a high that can only be matched by peanut butter and chocolate.

Apparently all of her work was in vain. I’m still wearing t-shirts, still not styling my hair, still not wearing lipstick. In fact, lately I’ve been walking around looking like this. (Tiffany, maybe you should look away.)



Of course, I don’t WANT to look like this. But I decided that I needed a break from the blonde upkeep. I mean...every eight weeks gets a bit tedious. And expensive. So I set out to grow out the blonde which, as you can see above, is a nice look. I made it all the way to yesterday when I freaked out and decided that I couldn’t take it anymore! No more bad roots! No more bad blonde! I went straight to Target and bought some nice natural brown and immediately colored my hair. Some of you may remember the last time I colored my hair and became and unintentional punk rocker (as seen here). You would think I learned my lesson. You would think by now I would know that it’s worth the money to pay an expert. You would also think that I would know better than to try and cut my own hair. You would be wrong.

My hair can now be described as brain-eating-zombie-GREY on the ends and cut by a kindergarten student with safety scissors. All I can say is, Tiffany, I’m sorry.

The worst part is – my hair used to look like this! So pretty!



Now it looks like this.



I called AJ and told her that I have a hair emergency. She asked why and I told her that I tried to cut it myself. “WHY would you DO that??” she said.

I don’t know.

I do not know.

Brother Harris

I started to write a big sappy tribute to my brother about how today is his birthday and how awesome he is and what a great father he is and how funny he is....but then I realized that I've written this before. And I couldn't say it better myself.



(Written July 2005) (Yet still holds true today)
I’m getting married on Monday, marrying the best person I know. There are many people involved in the wedding whom I love and adore and with whom I feel honored to share my day. I want to somehow give a small picture of how blessed I am to be surrounded by such great people. First off, my brother, Kelley Andrew Harris – or Drew, for short. My earliest memory of my brother is the day he was born. I was six years old and the queen of the world, and suddenly there was this new person in my house. The day Drew was born, Dad took me to K-Mart in Bowling Green, KY to get a new outfit for my “new brother to come home in”. I had known something was coming, had seen my mother’s stomach growing month by month. But somehow I didn’t realize all the talk meant a new person I had to share space with – and parents. Once he did come home, I thought he was pretty cool since he was tiny like a baby doll. But MAN! DID HE SCREAM! For an entire year he screamed morning, noon and night. Screamed instead of eating. Screamed instead of sleeping. He screamed…..and screamed. My parents went crazy wondering what it was they were doing wrong while Drew just screamed. And screamed.
After a year, he did finally stop the incessant screaming (we never figured out what the problem was…). What's followed has been 24 years of good and bad and hilarious. When we were younger, we fought like champs. We also loved each other and had more than fun than should be allowed for two kids to have. He was always so much younger than me, which made me into a bossy tyrant at times. And he was a pesky little brother. But he was also funny and interesting and my best friend growing up. Together we traveled to grandparents’ in the family mini-van, took a trip to the beach, rode to school every day, watched 10,000 movies and made a lifetime of memories.
Once I left home for college, my relationship with my brother matured into a friendship like none other I have. Whenever I’m with Drew, I’m laughing. He’s truly the funniest person I know and will EVER know. And he’s grown into a man of character and strength, a person I admire and respect. It’s too challenging (and time consuming at the moment) to truly write an accurate picture of my love for my brother, but here are some of my personal highlights:
- I’m Po, but I’m Proud
- Sambo
- Orange converse high tops
- Riding the jet ski in Florida and fearing for my life
- Scooby Doo
- verysmallrocks
- “Wait a second...bug...gnat...”
- “I know who you are”
- The bird call
- Tetris, Super Mario and Frogger
- Our trip to LA
- Stealing my 10-speed and then knocking your teeth out on a parked car
- No knees
- Megan has a bowling ball
- Taking a "Wayne"

Drew – you know there are a million more...and a million more than that. You’ve been (and continue to be) the best brother a girl could ask for. I’ve loved you since I met you, and I’m so excited to see where life will take us both. Happy 27th Birthday old man. I love you!

The One Where You Think I'm Confessing what Embarrassing Shows I Watch, But I'm Not. (i'mnotembarrassedatall)

Time Magazine recently came out with their list of the 100 Best TV Shows of ALL TIME! Since I love TV like Chris Crocker loves Britney and black eyeliner, I was very eager to see what they qualified as "ALL TIME" best shows. Here's the list (with my comments):

The 100 Best TV Shows of All-TIME
A - F
* 24 (Jack Bauer for President! Although not the Jack Bauer from Season 6, please.)
* 60 Minutes
* The Abbott and Costello Show
* ABC's Wide World of Sports
* Alfred Hitchcock Presents
* All in the Family
* An American Family
* American Idol (Duh.)
* Arrested Development (If I could put George Micheal Bluth in my purse and take him with me everywhere I go - I would. I would indeed.)
* Battlestar Galactica
* The Beavis and Butt-Head Show (Wait, really? I mean, I've laughed with the best of 'em but we're going for greatest shows of ALL TIME here.)
* The Bob Newhart Show
* Brideshead Revisited
* Buffalo Bill
* Buffy the Vampire Slayer
* The Carol Burnett Show
* The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite
* A Charlie Brown Christmas
* Cheers
* The Cosby Show (Whachoo talkin' 'bout BUUUUUUD.)
* The Daily Show
* Dallas
* The Day After
* Deadwood
* The Dick Van Dyke Show
* Dragnet
* The Ed Sullivan Show
* The Ernie Kovacs Show
* Felicity (Scott Speedman! So Sexy!)
* Freaks and Geeks
* The French Chef
* Friends (Give us some candy Lady!)

G - M

* General Hospital
* The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show
* Gilmore Girls (Yes, please.)
* Gunsmoke
* Hill Street Blues
* Homicide: Life on the Street
* The Honeymooners
* I, Claudius
* I Love Lucy
* King of the Hill
* The Larry Sanders Show
* Late Night with David Letterman (NBC)(Although Paul Schaffer scares the POOP out of me.)
* Leave It to Beaver
* Lost (If this were not an alphabetized list, this should be at the top of said list. Forever. Amen.)
* Married... With Children
* Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
* The Mary Tyler Moore Show
* M*A*S*H
* The Monkees
* Monty Python's Flying Circus
* Moonlighting
* MTV 1981-1992
* My So-Called Life
* Mystery Science Theater 3000

N - S

* The Odd Couple
* The Office [American] (There's Poop! Falling! From the CEILING!)
* The Office [British]
* The Oprah Winfrey Show
* Pee Wee's Playhouse
* Playhouse 90
* The Price Is Right
* Prime Suspect
* The Prisoner
* The Real World
* Rocky and His Friends
* Roots
* Roseanne
* Sanford and Son
* Saturday Night Live
* Second City Television
* See It Now
* Seinfeld (Another list topper, this should be, in a non-alphabetized way)
* Sesame Street
* Sex and the City
* The Shield
* The Simpsons
* The Singing Detective
* Six Feet Under
* Soap
* The Sopranos
* South Park
* SpongeBob SquarePants
* SportsCenter
* Star Trek
* St. Elsewhere
* The Super Bowl (and the Ads)
* Survivor

T - Z

* Taxi
* The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
* The Twilight Zone
* Twin Peaks
* The West Wing
* What's My Line?
* WKRP in Cincinnati
* The Wire
* Wiseguy
* The X-Files
* Your Show of Shows


Here's the thing. Where's Scrubs? And Flavor of Love? And 30 Rock? And Best Week Ever and Flipping Out and That's So Raven and The Dog Whisperer? And Aqua Teen Hunger Force? And Hogan Knows Best? I mean, if you're going to make a list - make a LIST people.

Puppy Love

Minnie has a crush on Dr. J.D.



But he never calls. This makes Minnie cry.



Wail, actually.



Then she gets depressed.





I've told her to stop TIVOing Scrubs episodes as this only makes the pain worse. She does not listen. J.D.! she says. J.Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.!!

Ahhhh, youth.