I Have a New Love

When I was a young girl I loved sugar cookies - the kind with the hole in the middle. You could wear them like a ring feeling glamorous while turning and nibbling. When I think of these cookies I think of Sunday school and Vacation Bible school. Fun little cookies for fun little girls.

When I got a little older I loved chocolate oatmeal cookies. I would make them with my mom - and they were the one thing I was allowed to make by myself. I loved stirring the melty chocolate with the oatmeal flakes. I loved dropping them onto the cookie sheet and waiting for them to cool. I always made them for Santa. And I always made one special cookie that was bigger than the rest hoping I would get it. It usually went to my dad.

And I love fudge stripe cookies. And I love Chips Ahoy. And I love peanut butter cookies and oatmeal cookies and snickerdoodles and chocolate grahams. But I'll tell ya, there is one cookie that reigns supreme. One cookie that trumps all cookie tastes and cookie memories. One cookie that literally has power over me. The Girl Scout Samoa. Good Grief this cookie is amazing. I could literally eat them until I vomited. I have not actually done this, but I could. I would. Thankfully I didn't discover the Girl Scout Samoa until I was a mature adult and knew that vomiting cookies would only ruin my love of them. And I love them. They are my most favorite. MOST. FAVORITE.

Until today.

Today, I discovered a cookie that makes even the beloved Samoa shudder in fear. A cookie so perfect, so utterly delicious, that other cookies are jumping from glass ledges to their milky deaths. A cookie that might overtake my entire life. A cookie I could quit my job for. A cookie I would steal for. The cookie of my dreams.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, I give you.....The Peanut Butter Oreo (Double Stuffed).



And speaking of things that could cause me to be forced into Sugar Rehab by loving family members....have you seen this? I mean, really, have you SEEN this?



Samoas Ice Cream? Peanut Butter Oreos?

Helpful Hint: Crumble up the PB Oreos into the Samoas ice cream. Unzip jeans. Enjoy.

Update

So guess what? I am still alive! It's true! I know I've been absent but hey, give a girl a break. I just finished writing more words than my husband will ever utter in his lifetime. I needed a word break. I haven't really been doing anything spectacular unless you consider walking my dog and cleaning my house and playing Nertz spectacular....AND I DO. MY LIFE RULES. Also, my job has suddenly become psycho busy X 1,000. That does not rule. I promise to return soon with my boring stories and obvious observations and annoying gloats about my Perfect Ryan and my Minnie Dog. I'm sure we'll all be richer for it.

P.S. - THANKS so kindly for all the well wishes about my book. I truly appreciate all the kindness and encouragement, especially at such a time as this. Below are some answers to some questions:

1. I turned the manuscript in to my editor, the fabulous Kate, who will now either rip it to shreds or will say "it's ok". I'm hoping for the latter.

2. I have a publishing deal with W Publishing, a division of Thomas Nelson. I would provide links but I'm too tired. If you've ever heard of the author Max Lucado, he's on W Publishing. I have not sold as many books as Max Lucado.

3. I don't know when this book will come out, probably later this fall. Don't worry, as soon as I know I will sound the alarm. Loudly.

4. Yes, writing an entire book is terrifying and crazy hard and WAY too self-revealing for my taste. But it's also so fun. And rewarding. And terrifying. And writing this book was unbelievably harder than writing the first. I hope I get to do it again.

5. Here is a picture of my dog.


Oh come on, you saw that coming a mile away.

Self Portrait Tuesday: April Foolin' (It Is Finished)

#1 - It is 10:30pm on Monday, April 17th and I just emailed my entire book to my editor.
#2 - I finished my book
#3 - I finished it on time
#4 - Friday at 6:00pm I had 20,000ish words. Tonight, Monday night, I turned in 48,000.
#5 - That means I am awesome
#6 - And tired
#7 - I finished. I FINISHED!!!!!!
#8 - Now I must clean my house or we will all die from the dust and fumes and general filth.
#9 - Amen.

The Duck Says:

The Duck says Happy Easter Ya'll!



And just so the kids don't get jealous and continue to play nice....



Minnie says Happy Easter too!

Riddle Me This

If you are a man, and you read this blog, please tell me....

1. Do you know how to replace a roll of toilet paper?
2. Do you know how to shut kitchen cabinets?
3. Do you know where the toothpaste goes once you are finished with it?
4. Do you know how to operate dresser drawers, including the "shut" function?
5. Do you know where the dirty clothes basket is?

My office is currently in an old haunted house, so the bathroom I use is uni-sex. I'm only saying that so you don't think all of these questions are pointed directly at Ryan. Perfect Ryan is still perfect, although "shutting things" is sometimes beyond his grasp. But he's so CUTE!

The Sky Is Falling....

I saw some woman last night in a restaraunt, poor thing, that has cellulite on her arms. I felt sorry for her and had raging inner pride over my thin arms. I've always had thin arms, no matter what weight I've been. I've always always had toned thin arms. I love my arms. When the rest of my body is lumpy and bumpy and totally out of control, I still have nice arms! Hooray for me! I looked back at the poor fat lady, no doubt to gloat some more over my very superior arms, and realized that IT. WAS. ME. I was looking into a giant wall size mirror. THE FAT LADY WAS ME. I have cellulite on my arms.

Someone tell me to put down the Reese's Pieces Easter Eggs because the end, she is near.

Self Portrait Tuesday: April Foolin' (88 Degrees of Separation)

It's true....I can spread my first two fingers abnormally far.



When I wave the peace sign or holler "We're #2!" I generally freak people out with my semi-Spock-ish-ness. Once, in collge, my smart friend Leigh Ann pulled a protrator out of her backpack (she had a protractor in there?) to accurately measure. Right hand (above) is 88 degrees. Left hand is 85.



No foolin'.

For other Tom Foolery and Shenanigans, go here.
To laugh REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD go here to see the funniest SPT I've ever seen in my life. Heidi, you rule.

Tick Tock

My manuscript is due to the publisher in 192 hours. All weekend I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote....and still she ain't done. If ever there was a time for me to start drinking, the time is now.

The Musts

I was tagged by the Ever Glamorous Lulu (although now that I've met her and know the true meaning of LuLu's World, I suppose I shouldn't call her that?) for this Meme. And it's Friday...and why not?

Top 5 Must-Haves (for the next five minutes):

In my fridge:
1. Diet Coke - obviously
2. 2 gallons of milk for Perfect Ryan
3. French fries in the freezer (say ten times fast)
4. Minute Maid Cherry Limeade
5. Dr. Pepper for Perfect Ryan (we’re drinkers, we are)

In my closet:
1. Flip-flops – although these are normally strewn about the house instead of in the closet
2. Jeans
3. Adidas track pants
4. Grey pajama pants that I wear every … single … day
5. Overflowing laundry basket

In my purse:
1. Ear plugs for the rock shows
2. Debit card
3. Emergency peanut butter and chocolate chunk granola bar
4. Cell phone
5. One thousand receipts +1

In my car:
1. Empty Diet Coke cans
2. CDs, flyers, huge sign, press kits (remnants from GMA week that I have refused to deal with)
3. “Pet Pal” bags for walks with Minnie that require...picking up the necessaries of life. The world is her toilet, I’m just here to clean it up.
4. CD cases without CDs
5. Random case of AMP Energy drink – which I do not drink (although the bag boy at Publix sure was thrilled when I gave him one after he spied them in my trunk)

On my TiVo (If I don’t get TiVo in the next five minutes I will surely die)
1. 24 – If only Jack Bauer could run for office...
2. American Idol
3. Lost
4. Super Nanny – Jo Rules ALL.
5. Amazing Race

Bonus:
In my shower:
1. Fourteen bottles of half-empty shampoo
2. Fourteen bottles of half-empty conditioner
3. Fourteen bottles of half-empty body wash
4. Fourteen dull razors
5. Two loofahs. Loo-faaaaaaaaah.

Happiest Friday to you all. I, for one, am exhaling deeply for the Friday arrival. Since last Thursday Ryan and I have been keeping my parents' dog Foxy - plus our new dog Minnie. It's been challenging and fun and tiring and fun.

Sometimes they fight.



And sometimes they play.



And sometimes they are just as tired as me.



But they are always cute.



And today Foxy is going home. I think Minnie might be a little sad to see her go.

Reality Blogging

So...guess what? You are so jealous of me.

Monday at 1:00pm CST, I got to hang out with Hula, LuLu, Cool M, Zabs and of course, AJ most Fabulous. We all met up in Nashville for a brief lunch. I think that even if we had lingered for four hours it would have felt brief. Seems like the entire lunch I felt desperate and wild eyed. I wanted to steal a little piece of each woman and keep her in my purse or my pocket because lunch, lunch was not enough. Each one of these women is so brilliant and funny and interesting and gorgeous. Every interesting "blogness" about them is personified ten-fold in person. Meeting these women, all at once, was like what I imagine getting a Cabbage Patch kid on Christmas morning would be like - instead of the crummy fake one I actually got. In short, it was fa-bu-lous-lous-lous.



A brief description:
Andrea - saw her and felt like I was seeing an old friend. She's effervescent and sparkly (in a good way) and funny and gorgeous and great great great. She brought her cute husband Ward and her so-cute-they-should-be-preserved-in-cellophane kids Ava Girl and The Ez.
Elizabeth - saw her and felt like I was seeing an old friend, and actually, I was since we've been friends for a while now. She's also effervescent and sparkly and funny and gorgeous and great great great. She brought her two adorable boys Owen and Lukas who were so cute I wanted to put chocolate syrup right on their heads.
Meredith - saw her and felt like I was seeing an old friend. I know you're not going to believe this, but SHE is effervescent and sparkly and funny and gorgeous and great great great. So sweet. So so sweet. The kind of person you could hug forever and it would just keep getting sweeter. I realize that sounds extremely odd, but I'm sticking with it.
Kendra - saw her and felt like I was seeing an old friend. And don't shake your head at me because FOR REAL Kendra is effervescent and sparkly and funny and gorgeous and great great great. She brought her girls Luxie and Zaine and I almost left with Zaine hidden under my sweater.....BECAUSE SHE IS SO CUTE.
AJ - she IS an old friend and I get to see her practically every day which makes me Lady Luck. And, say it with me now, she's effervescent and sparkly and funny and funny and gorgeous and great great great. She brought ME!

Seriously, hanging out with these women was perfect. I only wish I could do it once a week. Hey Andrea and Kendra and Meredith and Elizabeth, thanks for traveling (especially with all the kiddies) to come visit. It made my heart sing.

SPT Extra:
I've been at a conference for work so I missed Tuesday.....but here's a little submission anyway. Isn't this month's theme April Foolin? Check out The Ez trying to make a fast break from Mama Hula. That kid rules.

The Duck: A History

Many years ago, my mother Betty acquired two cement ducks. I don't know where these ducks came from exactly, I just know that there were two. And with the ducks came an arsenal of clothing fit for a king. There were outfits for rainy days and St. Patrick's Day and gardening clothes and on and on. For the 4th of July the ducks had Uncle Sam and Betsy Ross outfits and for Thanksgiving they were a Pilgrim and an Indian.



My brother and I made fun of the ducks constantly. Every time Mom put on new outfits, we had a new comment to make. We thought the ducks were crazy and silly and weird and odd. We told Mom that people driving by would think a crazy Duck woman lived at our house. She never argued much, and kept dressing the ducks.

One day, I noticed that Mom had stopped dressing the ducks. They were out there in the front yard naked as you please. When I asked her about this she said, "You and Drew always made so mch fun of me for dressing them up. It hurt my feelings, so I stopped."

Oops.

I told my friend Nivah about this, and she scolded me to no end. You hurt your mother's feelings! She loved the ducks! How could you! Many months later, after the duck conversation was long forgotten, Nivah showed up at my house with a "gift" and walked into my house carrying The Duck. She had found a cement duck at a yard sale complete with about 15 different themed outfits. I was speechless. Nivah informed me that I was to put The Duck on my front porch and dress him up because I had hurt my mom's feelings.



And so, The Duck now mans the front door of Illingworth Manor, always dressed in his finest. Sometimes he wears dresses and sometimes we wears hats. There may also be a wig or two in his future.