Fair Warning

This past week was Gospel Music Week otherwise known as the Week from Hell for those of us in the biz. Everyone and anyone associated with our little music industry gathers in downtown Nashville for a week of running to and fro and doing this and that. Indie bands are wandering the streets trying to get noticed, veteran acts are walking quickly trying not to get noticed and there's always one or two American Idol sightings. (This year it was Mandisa and Chris Sligh.) It's my job to assemble all of my bands and make sure they get where they need to go on time and in one piece. That's 21 guys around the age of 21 - all of which become bored after about 13 seconds of anything. Oh, and I was also planning a late night showcase with six bands performing and muptiple creative people all giving input and advice. Yes, I was busy.

One particular morning I was putting out typical fires (The Robot kicked out of an event, a staff member with no badge, a band with the wrong color wristbands to enter an event) and I took a moment to visit the ladies room to get away from the mania. I walked in and noticed the empty stalls* and felt glad to have a moment to myself.

*I always notice if public restrooms are empty or not. Because empty public restrooms (especially Movie Theater empty public restrooms) really freak me out.

As I was doing my quick business in Stall #2 I heard the main door open. Then I heard a cheery woman say, "So how's your week going?" I figured Happy Voice Lady had entered with a friend.

I was wrong.

Happy Voice Lady entered the stall next to me and repeated, more loudly:
"How's your week going?"
"................(could she really be talking to me?)..............fine."
"It's such a busy week isn't it?"
"........................"
"Everyone coming and going. It's a fun week though, seeing everyone and all he excitement and traveling and eating strange foods."
".................................."
"It really does a number on your stomach doesn't it?"

At this point I am at the sink washing my hands and I realize...this woman is not making polite conversation with me. This woman is warning me about what is about to come out of her.

So I got out of there.

Doesn't she know that the rule of thumb for a situation like that is to remain as anonymous as possible, walk in with your head down, enter the last stall, pick your feet up and hope everyone leaves before you have to come out? You don't make friends.

Although I am kinda wondering if she made it out alive.

I'm in.

I've been tagged by nonblonde. And what she says - I do.

My (Current) Top Five Obsessions:

Pants - When I was 19 years old, I knew what size I wore. I could go into any store, pick up my size, and the pants would fit. Now, I wear a range of three, sometimes FOUR different size pants. This makes shopping so irritating I could be tempted to go naked. Almost. Why can't an 8 be an 8? And why can't I be an 8?

TV - I love TV. Good shows and bad shows and dramas and comedies and action and news and reality and total crap and The Office. I don't have cable channels like Discovery or TLC or E! or Bravo because it's too expensive right? (Secret Message to Internet: The reason I don't have these channels is because if I had access to all the shows on THOSE channels as well as the channels us regular folks watch - I would never leave my house. Ever.)

Babies - It's not what you think. (Or is it?) I have upwards of 15 pregnant women in my life. That's a double digit, ya'll. And that's a lotta babies. Kinda makes a girl think about....

The Future - I think about the future and when it will get here and what it will look like and how much it will cost and what size my pants will be when it gets here and if I have time to do anything about it.

Zaxby's - Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Zaxby's.

I will now tag anyone and everyone who wants to fess up. And let me know if you do....I love reading other people's privacies.

(Privacys?)

(Secrets.)

Over It

My friend Sam after hearing Zach say that his new job is "all things web related":

"I am so over the Internet."

-Sam Shifley
Record Producer
Poet
Renaissance Man
Family Man
Often mistaken for a Homeless Man

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

You know you're fat when......

You put on some pants in the dressing room only to gasp in horror at the reflection in the adds-ten-pounds-I'm-sure-of-it full length mirror. You stare in disbelief at how wretched these pants make you look, how wide and lumpy and vast. You vow to yourself that you would never EVER buy these pants even if they were 75% off. Even if you had a Gift Card. Even if they were black and 75% off and you had a Gift Card. These pants make you look like Fun House Mirror Girl. They are awful. AWFUL!

Then you realize....

These are your pants. The ones you wear every other day.

Sigh.

Until June

Never have I used this blog to pimp my own .... wait a minute .... I do have a link to BUY MY BOOK. But never have I used this blog to pimp one of my bands. But, the time has come. I feel fairly certain that if you have read this blog more than once, you will love the band Until June as much as I do. They are three guys, they live in West Hollywood, and they write songs that sound like falling in love.

You can check out their music here or here. It will be worth the click. Their debut record comes out Tuesday - 4/17, if you are so inclined.

Enjoy.

J. F. is #1

If I watched Dancing with the Stars (which I do not)....and if I were to make a comment about it (which I can't because I don't watch it)....I would say that the host Samantha Harris always wears THE most gorgeous dresses. I mean really, who is dressing that woman? And when can they start dressing me? That is....if I had ever seen the show, which I most certainly have not.

Disclosure at Half Mast

Lately I've had a strange peace about TMC. I say strange because this peace is not something I asked for, not something I looked for. I pray for an end, not for endurance. I pray for a resolution, not the ability to soldier on. I pray for something, anything for crying out loud...if I pray at all. TMC normally leaves me feeling constricted. Smothered. Hopeless. Like a misplaced punishment. A guilty verdict even though I'm innocent. So for me, enduring hasn't been an option. I just wanted out. But for the past few days I've just suddenly felt ok with the whole thing. I can think about it and breathe at the same time. I can have a conversation with Ryan about it without my eyes welling up and saying things like "never" and "pointless". It's weird. Unexpected.

And I like it.

And I hope it lasts.

Part of me wonders if God is preparing me to talk about it in my next book. I've been working up a new plan of attack for my next book...and Ryan and I have discussed the possibility of me including my nearly two year struggle with this condition. When it first came up I laughed and told him that I can't even come clean about it on my blog...how am I supposed to write about it in a book! A book my In-Laws would read! And my boss! And hopefully other people! Then I admitted that it could be a help to other people who struggle with the same thing. People who, like me, don't want to talk about it given its sensitive nature. People who could benefit from someone else spilling her guts so they don't have to.

Then Ryan did what Perfect Ryan always does and said the perfect thing. "Yes, it could help other people...but the person it would help the most is you."

Oh right.

That.

It's a scary thing, deciding to deal with something that weighs so heavily. Deciding to lay all my cards out for everyone to see. And judge. And measure. Giving up the one thing that has gripped me so tightly I now take six pills a day....for ulcers. I asked my doctor how long I would need to take these pills and he said, "Maybe for life."

And maybe not.

Illingworth Life Lesson #48

If your dog is fat, there's no one to blame but yourself.

Less Is More

Where have I been, you say?
Sick, I say.
How sick, you say?
So sick...I'll give you two examples that will scare you and cause you to ask no further questions.

How Sick I've Been #1: I went to the doctor. But that's not all, I went to the doctor and got a nice fat prescription. Upon leaving the doctor, I was given a brown paper bag full of samples of my nice fat prescription. Thank you, I said. Upon coming home and opening the brown paper bag full of samples, I noticed something else. Charmin Ultra Cleansing Cloths.

How Sick I've Been #2: It's now been 10 days since my last Diet Coke.

Conversation

The following is direct transcript of the phone conversation I just had with my brother.

Me: Do you know yet?
Him: No, we find out at 3:00 today
M: Well HURRY UP!
H: I know.
M: Are you excited?
H: YES!
M: I think it's a boy.
H: What if it's not a boy OR a girl? What if it's an alien?
M: Then you'll make lots of money.
H: True.
M: So either way, you win.
H: I'm hoping that when we have the ultrasound thing and see the baby that it will be wearing a cape. And they will say "You're having a Batman!" cause that would be cool.
M: Yeah.


UPDATE: It's a Girl!