Tonight on the Way to Dinner with Friends

You should know, Ryan hates it when I crack my knuckles. You should also know that I acuse Ryan of having nimble fairy fingers. So tonight...

Me: CRACK! CRACK!!

Ryan: Gross!

Me: Oh whatever.

Ryan: Fine. When we're old and you have horrible, cramped up fingers from all the cracking I will NOT open the peanut butter for you.

Me: Oh right like you'll be able to open it with your nimble fairy fingers.

Ryan: By then I'll be able to open it with my mind.

When You're Sliding Into First and You Feel a Little Burst

I've made an unbreakable vow to never eat Applebee's again.

Not no way.
Not no how.
Not.
Ever.

You see, the last three times I've eaten at Applebee's I've gotten violently ill. Violently. After the first visit I thought I must have gotten a 24 hour bug. After the second I thought maybe food poisoning? That third visit landed me in my local Gastrointestinal office with a $60 prescription and a burning sensation. That's six pills a day for three solid months ya'll. And that spells AppleYIKEswillneverpasstheselipsagain. Ever. Not even if they offered me free French fries for life. Not even for a cash prize. I will not eat Applebee's and ham. I will not eat it Glam I am

Fast forward to tonight and a benefit function downtown. Dinner was served and I was hungry and the food was delicious! The salad dressing so tangy! The chicken so tender! The potatoes so mashed! I was seconds away from licking my plate clean when the program started and the host thanked everyone involved.

Including the catering.

From Applebee's.

Oh Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

I think I just caught my neighbors doing it in the pool.

It's hot, but ya'll, seriously.

Seriously.

For the past two weeks, every single day, I've been asked the following questions by random, non-related people:

1. Have you seen High School Musical? YOU HAVE TO SEE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL!
2. Are you working on a new book?

I'm starting to think I should do one of these things.

But Does Yours Have a Wand?

I suppose I'll have to tell my grandchildren about how back in the olden days we used toilet paper. So primitive! Click here to see the (hilarious) wave of the future. The Washlet. Also, note the extreme happiness of everyone involved. Could this be the technology to end depression as we know it?

Dontcha Wishya Boyfriend Was Hot Like Mine

UPDATE PER COMMENTS THUS FAR: Hey Internets, you DO realize that this is Jim Halpert right? From The Office? Nemesis of Dwight K. Shrute? MY BOYFRIEND?

Today We Will Be Serving Perspective with a side of Some People Have It Worse

It’s supposed to be 100 degrees today. And in case you need a reminder, I live in the Humidity of the Humidishly Humid South. It’s hot ya’ll. Saturday I was in my yard pulling weeds for about 10 minutes and I thought I might have to burn the clothes I was wearing, I got THAT sweaty. When I got in my car at lunch today my steering wheel had been replaced with a burning ring of fire. I immediately turned on the air conditioning at major full blast and pointed it directly at my face. And armpits. And the air didn't get cool until I parked my car. All anyone can talk about today is how hot it is and how the heat! It’s so hot! And oh my! I might die! From the heat!

Then I got an email from my friend Earl Pinkston. Earl is married to my friend Robin and they are missionaries living in the tiny island country of Malta – located in the Mediterranean Sea. Robin just had a baby this weekend, her third. Here is a direct quote from Earl’s email:

Please continue to remember Robin as she remains in the hospital for another five days recovering from the c-section. Pray for cool breezes (as there is no air conditioning in the hospital)...

Wait a minute...NO AIR CONDITIONING? IN THE HOS-PI-TAL?????

Go ahead and think about that for thirty seconds. Then tell me what you come up with because I cannot even think about it at all.

Today's Post is Brought to You by the Letter Gwee

Overheard at the Maury County Grand Buffet Chinese Joint. Ryan and I had walked up to the register to pay our bill and the hostess was on the phone with....a customer?

Gwanbufaygwanbufay!
Yeah GWEE AAYYY RRRRR Gwanbufay!
No! GWWEEEEE AAAYYY RRRRR GWANBUFAY!
I say GWEEE! GWEEEEEEEEE!!
No! GWANBUFAY! GWEEEE AAAYY RRRRR BEEEE UUUU RRRR RRRR GWANBUFAY!
That's what I SAY! GWANBUFAY!! GWEEEE...

This continued as we walked out. There was a huge banner advertising a contest for the Top 100 Chinese buffets in America. We are SO gonna vote.

We All Fall Down

Lately I feel like people in my life are crashing and burning at an alarming rate. Seems like every day I hear some new bit of shocking news about friends and family. And I don't know what to think. Since 1974 I've always stood on my blacks and whites. I've always known exactly what I believe - exactly who I am. But now I feel like I'm standing on a stack of black and white ping-pong balls and I'm not sure which way to fall. It's as if every belief I've ever had is now suspect. Up for debate. Or scrutiny. Or something.

It's easy to become disillusioned by the actions of others. We spend so much time dissecting and analyzing the way others act and react to certain situations, often comparing them to our own set of inner rules. We expect certain people to behave a certain way, holding those close to us to a higher standard than strangers on the news. Whether or not we are religious or spiritual, we each have a specific guideline used to measure all of these actions. From that guideline, we determine whom to honor and whom to scorn. But sometimes people in our lives veer way off the beaten path. Me too. I find myself teetering on that very edge. Meanwhile people around me are dropping like flies.

Sometimes I wish to be 7 years old again - back in the land of blacks and whites. Back when right was right and wrong was wrong and I never had to question my doe-eyed admiration for all of the adults in my life. Back when people (I thought) kept their word and lived their faith and were the person they appeared to be. Before I ever knew a true liar. Before I had to question motives and beware of deceit. I realize I was mostly naive given my childhood-limited-point-of-view. I know that if I could go back and watch video tape of those years I would surely be shocked at all the things that flew directly over my head.

I wish for it nonetheless.

Some of the adults from my childhood seem to have lost site of everything they once stood for, everything that once defined them, everything true. In other words, they seem to have gone coo-coo-crazy. It rattles me a bit. Or, a lot. Families that were once (seemingly) rock solid are now stripped down to their birthday suits desperately trying to cover their naughtiness with too small hands. Running from the spotlight they are constantly in. Spouting "truths" that are nothing of the sort, that are manipulations to ease their own conscience. So they can still say "I believe, I'm ok, nothing wrong here, keep moving...". But we're not moving. Time seems to stand still.

Fathers leaving their wives and children. Wives giving up on their marriages. Spiritual leaders leaving the church. Grown adults not only ignoring the elephant in the room but throwing a leash around it and going for a stroll in the park.

Maybe I'm just getting older. Wiser. (Or is it more cynical?) Maybe these people have always been living this way in private and putting on their Sunday best in public. Here in the south we'd call that "puttin' on heirs". Whatever it is, I fear it might be contagious. Is there anyone out there capable of living their faith forever?

Things I Learned At Work Today

1. Space/astronaut ice cream tastes like generic, stale Lucky Charms marshmallows.
2. The Man doesn't care about you.
3. My job title should be changed from Director of Marketing to Label Mom.
4. Every single time I type the following words, I misspell them:
eleventyseven
their
warriors
management