So....The Birth

A c-section was never part of our birth plan. As of last Friday, it became the only plan. The specialist consulted with my OB and my OB consulted with the specialist and they both consulted with us on a variety of levels. There were meetings and phone calls and words like "paralysis" for Harry if we tried to deliver and concern about his large size and so on and so forth. It's a lot to go into as to all the reasons why but ultimately we decided a c-section was the best choice for the baby while not our first choice.

Friday morning we arrived at the hospital at 5:30am, neither of us having slept much at all. Both of us feeling good with an underlying current of fear/nerves/nausea. I kept telling Ryan (so that I could hear the words out loud), "It's going to be ok. I'll get an IV, then they will put in the epidural, then we'll have a baby!"

So easy right?

At around 8:00am the nurse came in to put in my IV. After two rather painful sticks, she called in another nurse to try. After two MORE painful sticks, and a blown vein, they called in the anesthesiologist who finally got it in. I told the nurses I had only signed up for one IV....not five....through my now flowing tears. I had been so together and so brave until the fourth stick. After that, the floodgate of nerves and worry for myself and my baby busted wide open. Still reeling from the painful sticks and newly raw emotion I was prepped for the epidural. I was hunched over as the nurse held on to me and tried to assure my hysteria that everything was going to be ok. And it was! I barely felt the epidural and suddenly felt an assuring calm.

Which was good because they immediately wheeled me into the freezing, sterile, bright as the sun OR. I laid there helplessly exposed while eight or more people buzzed around me discussing the events of the day, various operating instruments, hospital gossip. A nurse wrapped warm towels around my arms and ankles while the anesthesiologist started to pinch me. It went something like this:

-Do you feel this?
-Yes.
-How about this?
-Yes.
-And this?
-Yes.
-Are you sure?
-Yes.

I hear some mumbling behind me, words like "any minute" and "soon" and "we'll try again but I'm sure it's working". All the while the anesthesiologist was putting more and more medicine in my back. Moments later while everyone is waiting, both my friends and family and all the OR staff, they try again. It goes something like this.

-Do you feel this?
-Yes.
-How about this?
-Yes.
-Are you sure?
-Yes.
-Really?
-Yes.
-.........Are you sure?
-YES.

More mumbling. Growing concern. Then they put the sheet in front of me and called Ryan and got ready to start. My heart started to pound wondering if they had heard me correctly when I said YES I CAN FEEL THAT. With the sheet up in front of my face, I couldn't see who or what was happening but suddenly felt something sharp and not ok. I shouted I CAN FEEL SOMETHING SHARP. Suddenly everyone froze and someone behind the sheet said "we're going to need to do another epidural."

And so it was. Three nurses worked to sit me up on the operating table while I assumed the hunched over position with legs I couldn't feel, an abdomen I COULD feel and a growing fear. Once the first epidural was removed and the second one was in place the whole scenario started again.

-Do you feel this?
-Yes.
-How about this?
-Yes.
-Ok. (long awkward concerned pause) How about this?
-YES. I CAN FEEL THAT.
-...............

After some moments of hushed conversation over my head, the sheet went back up, Ryan was invited back in and everyone got ready for the big show. Suddenly I yelled I CAN FEEL SOMETHING SHARP. SOMETHING SHARP.

At that point a second anesthesiologist was called in and more discussion was had while I laid naked and afraid in a room full of irritated people. I was propped up once more and given a spinal - moments later I felt like someone was standing on top of my rib cage and then I heard the best sound I've ever heard in my life...my son's cry.

He was here. He was breathing. He was HERE.