The Duck Says:

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Originally uploaded by Glamorous Jo.

Merry Christmas Ya'll!

Mahwhage is what bwings us... togedder.....today

This is my gorgeous sister-in-law Angie.



And this is Angie and Micah, her boyfriend.



And this weekend, they got engaged!

I am overly happy for them both and wish them long years of happiness together. And since I am a five month expert on marriage, here is my advice for the happy couple:

Have fun.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Reflections (Merry)

So I know the Christmas ornament photo is a bit cliche and all that but I DON'T CARE. It's Christmas and it's festive so Fa La La La La La and Happy Self Portrait Tuesday.

Reason #656

Reason #656 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

Because he bought me the Say Anything DVD* for Christmas**. And because he's my own personal Lloyd Dobler - anything but basic. I, however, am still working on being a "brain trapped in the body of a game show hostess".



*AJ Fabulous bought me the Say Anything DVD for my birthday a while back, but someone has stolen it. If it was you, it's about time you fess up. Even though I've now received a new copy of my beloved movie, you need to be reckoned with.

**Ryan and I have been giving each other one present every day for the past few days because A) we can and B) it's really fun and C) we are overcome with Christmas Cheer.

The Exception to the Rule

Don't you hate it when you feel like you are on the verge of seeing the bright light and you definitely feel like you are on the verge of walking towards that bright light so you go to the walk-in clinic looking for some assistance and they tell you this:

"Lately we haven't been prescribing anti-biotics because, frankly, they aren't working anymore. But YOU are........sick. I mean, wow. How long have you been walking around like that?"

I say nothing since my ears are ringing so loudly I'm not entirely sure what she has asked me.

"So, I guess we'll just prescribe the anti-biotics and hope for the best."

You're a Mean One

You know what? I love Christmas. I love decorating and buying presents and helping those in need and making cookies and seeing family and Christmas parties and Christmas music. I love it all. Even Christmas socks.

But I do not love shopping in a specialty store that thinks it's "cute" to be uber-nosey and uber-wisenheimer-y when I've been standing in line holding my giant carpet bag purse and a really heavy box and I've lost feeling in both my arms and I have those icky red stripes on my hand from holding all the stuff for so long my knees are about to buckle. I immediately turn into the GRINCH when cheery sales people ask me these series of questions:

Cheery Clerk: Hi, how are you? Are you getting some Christmas shopping done?
Inner Me: It's Decmeber 14th and it's my lunch hour and I'm buying something only a Grandmother could love and I'm sweaty from wearing my coat in the store but it was too cold to leave it in the car......what do YOU think?
Me: Yes.

Cheery Clerk: I see you found some nice things today!
Inner Me: Shut-up and scan the bar code. I am in a hurry and I do not like it when sales clerks are nosey about what I'm buying/renting/eating.
Me: Yes.

Cheery Clerk: Can I get your phone number, area code first please?

*Sidebar - You should know that I HATE the give the phone number routine. They ask so they can look up your profile in their system and keep track of what you've bought and how often you come in the store blah blah blah. And yes, that's good data for them to have. But it feels like they are asking for my bra size or what side of the bed I sleep on. My phone number is not something I want out there for all the world to dial. Not that they do. It's just the idea. And it drives me crazy.

Me: 615-***-**** (which is actually my office number. Haha! Look at me! Dodging the system like a pro!)

Cheery Clerk: Now will this be all for you today?
Inner Me: Well let me see, I came rushing over here on my lunch break and I've been standing in line for over 15 minutes and there's a huge line of impatient people waiting behind me, but now that you mention it, I'd like to browse a little longer, yes.
Me: Yes.

Cheery Clerk: And how will you be paying for your gifts today?
Inner Me: Well I'm holding out my debit card, so that would seem the obvious choice wouldn't it GENIUS.
Me: Debit

After even more irritating questions, I was finally free to leave with a giant Merry Christmas and some Holiday Kisses blown in my general direction.

Ok, ok - I know it's their job to be overly polite and I know they HAVE to ask for the phone number and I know I sound like a big 'ole jerk.
I guess the secret's out.
I'm a jerk.
Ho Ho Ho.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Reflections (Shorn)

Ok...so...I like change. I like to mix things up. I like to try new things (well mostly, not always, and if it's food then not ever). I've lived in Nashville for 8+ years and I've had 8 different addresses (if you don't count the seven day stint in Maine - which I don't). I've also had about 8 different hair colors. I feel like I'm willing to try most anything with my hair - when it involves color. The length - however - is a different matter entirely.

I have always - always - had long hair. Always. Sometimes long, and sometimes looooooong. But always - long. But lately I've felt bogged down with the hair and have threatened to "chop it" as I've so exasperatingly shouted to Ryan over and over. But for me "chopping" would mean a few inches off the back. And just to prove my point:

Here I am in a sorority composite picture circa 1993:



And here I am at a sorority dance circa 1994:



And here's me as Poison Ivy in 1999.



Here I am in October of 2003 (why are all my pictures from October?):



And here I am in June of 2004 with Baby Alex (scrumptious Baby Alex):



And yes, I have 1,000 pictures of me with long hair from high school and elementary school, but no one needs to see that.

Which brings us to the present day. Ryan has needed a haircut in the worst way, and I've been running around spouting about "chopping" my hair, so last night we did just that. We both went and got haircuts. More accurately, we were shorn like innocent lambs.

Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



Exhibit C:



The good thing is, hair grows fast. Ok, the REALLY good thing is, I cut so much off I was able to donate it to Locks of Love - and that ain't half bad.

But I didn't ask for bangs.

Why Today is Good

1. It's Friday and the sun is shining.
2. I get to see my fabulous in-laws and sister-in-law this weekend.
3. I only have 8 work days left until MERRY CHRISTMAS FOR THIRTEEN WHOLE DAYS.
4. See #3
5. My record company is putting on a benefit show tonight for the orphans of Haiti and I think that's pretty cool. Also, the bands will be good. Rock 'n Roll 4-EVER.
6. Did I mention #3?
7. Reading Hula Seventy's delicious words that can warm your heart even on the coldest of days.
8. See #3.
9. In an obvious effort to please me, NBC is moving The Office to Thursday nights - so now I can watch!

Since November 3rd

I cannot stop sneezing.
I cannot stop blowing my nose.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot stay awake.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot take much more of this.

In a Theater Near You...

I've always been a sucker for a happy ending love story. Those movies or books with the one pivotal moment that makes you gasp and cry and laugh all at once. The swelling music. The couple that meet each other in the rain for a kiss so perfect it breaks your heart. And even though I usually savor every word and purposeful shy glance, I always left the theater with a small twinge of “yeah right”. Shut the book thinking, “it's fiction, obviously”. I always had a small fear that these incandescent feelings, these breathless words between lovers were manufactured niceties strung together by some clever writer. Emotions acted by talented people who, once the scene was over, would return to their personal misery. Their lonely heartbreaks. Because real rapturous love couldn't possibly be true. Not in this world. Not in this girl. I'd seen too much deception for one lifetime. Had my heart trampled on until it was unrecognizable. Tasted the bitterness of betrayal.

Besides, isn't it the unspoken rule that one should turn up her nose at such a possibility? Scandalous love stories are fairytales devoured by the weak, right? It seems to be more accepted to talk about love with disdain than with hope - at least for a single girl. Or maybe that was another way of fooling myself into doubting its existence.

Enter Ryan Illingworth.

And no, I don't want to say that now I know perfect kisses do exist. I don't want to tell you that real rapturous love does happen without the aid of directors and screenwriters and novelists. I don't want reveal the elusive Mr. Darcy as a possibility. Because I know it probably won't ring true. I know for most, it might sound hollow or boring or even threatening. I know that to gush about one's love is often to the dismay of others. But why? If we celebrate true love on the screen, shouldn't we celebrate its true existence? Shouldn't we praise the idea of actual people walking around experiencing real love?

Wherever you stand, and whatever you've been through, I cannot deny…..it exists. True love. Movie love. Mr. Freakin' Darcy love. I've found it.

I've found someone who loves me so quietly my ears ring. Who loves me so profoundly I'm struck silent. Who wears his heart on his sleeve but is stronger than I've yet to see. A man who serves me without motive, dotes without pretense and gazes without suspicion. Who constantly surprises me and alarms me and fills me with outrageous screaming hilarious love.

And yes, I've only been married for five months. I'm still wearing blinders, right? I hope not. I hope I always look at Ryan and feel the wonder that I do today. I hope I always run to meet him when he comes home. I hope I never tire of his face or his stories or his shy laugh.

I hope I always feel his kiss on my shoulder in the middle of the night.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Reflections (Work)

I heard a rumor that this month's SPT should be about reflections. So, here's me as reflected in a Kids In The Way CD. I work for a record company where I market, sell and generally cheer about rock bands. I spend (or it feels like I spend) the majority of my life at this record company. And it is a good record company, a good job. Some might say a great job. I know many many people who would beg, borrow and backstab to get my job.

But my soul....she longs for other things.

14 Things You Should Know: December Edition

1. I use the backs of CDs as mirrors
2. In the second grade, I fell out of the swing at recess (and I was swinging higher than a KITE!). I landed ok, on my well insulated rear, but the swing went back up into the air and then came crashing down on the back of my skull. I had to go to the hospital where they told me I had cracked my skull. My dad joked that my brain might leak out. I was terrified it would.
3. It irritates me when people calculate instead of listen. While listening to you talk they are already thinking of a rebuttal or a comment or a judgment of some sort. JUST LISTEN. WE'RE MAKING CONVERSATION HERE.
4. Once, while on a business trip, I morphed into Jessica Simpson over dinner. We had been working a sales expo all day and were famished. The expo was being held in a hotel, so we went to one of the hotel restaurants. It was very fancy, very dimly lit, and very expensive. I ordered "the chicken" and hoped they would hurry. When my food arrived, I was slightly perturbed that my chicken had come with rice instead of the potatoes I ordered, but neveryoumind I was STARVING! I dug in, heartily, and then announced to the table: WOWWWWWW!!!! THIS IS THE BEST CHICKEN I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!! SO LIGHT!!!!! SO TENDER!!!!! SO UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS!!!!!!!! I wouldn't shut-up about the chicken and its chickeny awesomeness. The chicken! It's good! Finally, my friend Cathy reached over to take a bite of my glorious never-before-have-I-eaten-something-so-delicious chicken......and made a face. She turned to the rest of the table and announced, "JoAnna is eating fish".
5. I rank movie candy in this order:
Reeses Pieces
Raisenettes
Peanut M&Ms
Reeses Pieces
Anything else you could think of including vegetables and liver
Popcorn
6. If I prepare for a meeting with you about one of my records, and I am talking to you about said record, please do not interrupt me and talk over me and vomit your general rudeness and ugliness all over the conference room table. It's not very nice....or glamorous.
7. The darkness that is descending at 5:00 is robbing me of my very soul. (I know this is a repeat, but People! I! Am! Serious!)
8. I'm a messy toothbrusher
9. I can't think of one single thing worse than wet socks
10. Sometimes when I'm describing someone that was rude, I say he was, "Rude Dog U.S.A." although I have no idea what this means or why in tarnation I say it. I do not know where it came from and I think it sounds a little crazy. But I say it. So there.
11. Now that it's getting dark so early, I can see my reflection in the window when I look out into the cold, cruel, dark afternoon. And let me tell you, I slouch like Old Mother Hubbard with an unsightly hump and a chip on her shoulder. Ghastly!
12. I think the Extension Cord People jack up the prices around Christmas because they know it's the only time of year you look around and think "man, I sure could use about five extra extension cords".
13. Ryan and I watched the finale of The Biggest Loser and saw these nice people getting $100,000 or $250,000 for losing weight! We looked at each other and said the same thing in our heads. START EATING.
14. I think I would be BFF with Kelly Clarkson, Joan Cusack, Lorelai Gilmore, and Reese Witherspoon.
Bonus: Buying Christmas gifts for dads and dads-in-law and brothers and brothers-in-law is hard. Please help.