and now...Five Reasons To Move To Kentucky

Don't Read This If You Are Afraid of Grease and Goodness

Several folks have asked me about the bacon wraps featured at The Illingworth Fourth of July Extravaganza. I stole the recipe from The Pioneer Woman but I will list it for you here since I'm a giver. It's so easy even a monkey could do it. Or your husband!

Ingredients:
Club Crackers
Thin-Sliced Bacon
Parmesan Cheese

(Yes really, that's it)

Instructions:
-Open up the package of bacon and slice it down the middle, Moses style.
-Take a Club Cracker and dump 1 teaspoon of Parmesan Cheese on it.
-Wrap one half slice of bacon around the cracker securely.
-Place assembled crackers on a baking sheet with a rack*.
-Bake at 250 for 1 hour and 45 minutes. The Pioneer Woman says to bake them for 2 hours but that was too long for me and mine.
-Prepare for greatness.
-In the event that other people are around when you make these, prepare to run out.
-Also, prepare for them to talk about these weeks later and say things like "I only got one of those bacon things! Why didn't you make more of those! When are you making more of the bacon things?" as happened to me this weekend.
-Also, wear elastic waist pants when eating.

*I did not have something as fancy as a baking sheet with a rack so I put my assembled crackers on a cookie cooling rack on a cookie sheet. Innovation!

For a full recipe with helpful photos, see The Pioneer Woman. That is a link directly to the bacon wraps but I must tell you, I've made quite a few of her recipes and they are always fabulous. In fact, because of her, lots of people think I'm a great cook.

Mmmmmm, bacon.

Why Yes, A New Post! Rub Your Eyes and It Will Still Be Here!

So, some things have happened.

THE FOURTH
The Fourth of July was celebrated in spectacular style at Illingworth Manor. Partly because it marked year three of Illingworth Wedded Bliss and partly because we had a wild party complete with family members and fireworks. I made a ridiculous feast from scratch that was a bit ambitious but also delicious. It included these bacon wraps:



...which very nearly caused my brother-in-law to kiss me on the mouth.

I also made this:



...which can only be described as THE CAKE. Because I made it from scratch. If you're not familiar with the term "scratch" it means three hours of hard labor that result in lower back pain, sore feet, a sweaty brow and the inability to interact with your party people. But also, cute. And delicious.

I made some other stuff too but Ryan was in charge of the camera and was quite selective in what he deemed photo worthy. We have lots of shots of nothing, his thumb, my cute niece not looking at the camera and carpet. But the party was super fun and worth the effort.

ALSO, THE FOURTH
Since we were having a party on the actual 4th, Ryan took me to an anniversary dinner a few days before. And if you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that I adore Ryan to a sickening point. But I'll tell you, at our anniversary dinner he surprised me yet again. You see Ryan isn't one to remember the details. At this moment he couldn't tell you one piece of clothing I own besides "jeans". But while we were sitting at The Cheesecake Factory scanning the menu book of dreams, Ryan casually mentioned the first time we ate a Cheesecake Factory together. And I was stunned because it was a moment I had to think about to remember. A moment that happened before we got together or hung out. A moment before The Kiss. But he remembered. And I gotta say, lately I've been swallowed whole by marriages breaking up around me. And crumbling. And spontaneously combusting. And shattering into a million unrecognizable pieces. And it's shaken me up a little bit...or, a lot. But no matter what is happening around us, I know that for me there are no other fish. He still makes my knees tremble at just the right moments.

SOME GOOD THINGS
-Dolly Parton is singing the new theme song for Target commercials. And I thought I couldn't love Target more! Ya'll, if they bring their return policy up to Bed Bath and Beyond standards I might just move in!
-Last night my friend Angela was telling a funny story from her younger days when she paused to say, "Bless My Heart". Could NOT love her more.
-Illingworth Manor is now surrounded by a hot-tub-blocking privacy fence. Seeing Minnie frolic freely makes it worth every hard earned dollar.
-I was in Orlando on business this week and rode the hotel elevator 24 floors with Kirk Cameron. Just me and him. Me and Mike Seaver, hanging out. I RODE THE ELEVATOR WITH KIRK CAMERON!


SOME BAD THINGS
-While on the 24 Floor Ride with Mike Seaver (the one celebrity whose poster hung on my teenage wall) I didn't say one word. Even when he told me he hoped I felt better soon, I giggled nervously and looked at the floor. HE talked to ME and I said NOTHING.
-I've been sick for the past week with a horrible congestion/sinus/throat plague. On my flight to Orlando I was pretty sure my right eyeball was going to shoot out of my eye socket, never to return.
-While in Orlando I'm pretty sure a 22-year-old blatantly hit on me. Even though I'm married. And I was sick. And grouchy. And totally uncharming and weathered and weary and just plain yuck. I told Ryan about it, confused how someone could (at that moment) find me remotely attractive, and he said YOU'RE A FOX! Now that I think about it, maybe I should have listed this in the batch of Good Things.
-I've been considering hosting a funeral for my creativity. It's been missing for so long no one's even looking for it anymore. The posters I hung around town are now covered up with ads for yard sales and carpooling options.

EDWARD CULLEN
If you've been living under a rock then you might not know about the Twilight book series from Stephanie Meyer. It's a Young Adult series about love and vampires. And I have become completely obsessed. I can't say much more about it for fear of not being able to stop. I LOVE THESE BOOKS. I talk about Edward the Vampire so much Ryan is starting to become jealous. As he should...even Perfect Ryan cannot compete with a romantic vampire.

Also, we're going to see The Dark Knight Sunday night. And tomorrow we're going to see Addison for her one year birthday. These two things should contribute to more Good Things.

Amen.

Because I Love You

...and because watching this video made me laugh SO HARD that several people came to make sure I was ok. And breathing. And I was neither. All the laughs that 2008 has robbed from me came SHOOTING out of my body when I watched this video.

It's funny, is what I'm saying.

Reason #46

Reason #46 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth

Me: RYAN!I just got an email from (insert name here) that said, "So! Are you and Ryan planning on having a little baby soon?"

Ryan: Well, maybe I should just burn her house down and then say, "So! Are you getting a new house soon?"

Wii've Missed You!

The Wii Fit is bound and determined to drive me to drink....high calorie soft drinks. If I miss one stinking day Wii scolds me in a cheery tone reminiscent of the southern belle "bless your heart" nicety-fake-nice-ness. Hi Jo! I missed you yesterday! Were you too busy to work out? You know, the best way to lose weight is to work out every day!

YEAH.

I GET IT.

SHUT-UP.

But I gotta say, never in my life have I been so motivated by someone so condescending. But the more Wii Fit beats me up, the more I want to prove it wrong. I'm not a loser! I can stick with it! I can do the Warrior Pose and hit soccer balls with my head and hula hoop for six minutes straight! The more Wii Fit taunts me the more I want to work-out. When the virtual trainer says "your legs are shaking!" I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. When she claps and praises me I blush and feel like a champ.

Nintendo has finally cornered the market on mind control and I am but a robot doing whatever my virtual trainer tells me to do.

Alice over at Finslippy said it way better than I ever will. (Read her hilarious thoughts here.)

........................wait......what?

My friend Heather has recently taught me about The Slow Drift. She’s young and fun and tends to attract That Guy. You know That Guy. He’s the one you meet at a party or at a movie with friends and you immediately think he’s nice or sweet. You laugh at his jokes. You think he’s cool. But then the third or fourth time you bump into That Guy it becomes clear that he’s into you. Like, into you. And you don’t want to be mean. Don’t want to hurt him. In fact, you really do want to be friends! Thus begins The Slow Drift, that subtle nuance that women are born with and men cannot seem to grasp no matter how many times we explain it.

Step 1: He calls and you talk for a few minutes. You remain friendly, but breezy.
Step 2: He calls and you don't answer.
Step 3: He calls and you don't answer.
Step 4: He calls and you still don't answer.
Step 5: He sees you out with another guy and begins to wonder if something is up.

There are more steps but I don't know them all. I probably drifted off when Heather was explaining them. I think the summary is basically ignoring and using blatant silence to send a message that you are not interested. And you know...I was all set to write a riveting post tonight filled with hilarious observations and insights and stories and...stuff. But then I blanked out in front of a bad episode of Wife Swap. Kinda like on my way home when suddenly I found myself turning into my neighborhood, unable to remember the drive home. Sorta like when I zoned out during the four hour meeting at work today.

Apparently I'm trying to send my life a message that I'm not interested in a serious relationship.

Future So Bright

This morning while I was drying my hair and thinking about my imaginary children (hi kids!) I realized that they could potentially live to see the year 3000. And I thought about what that will be like and thought surely they would have flying cars by then and probably a personal robot and best of all, could work from home.

And then I realized that I'm not very good at math.

Hello World, I'm 34

Today is my birthday. And things around here haven't been awesome, that's no secret. This particular birthday has hit me much harder than I was prepared for....and I wouldn't say it's been a great day. But I don't care about the obvious. So, in honor of today, I will now attempt to list 34 things that make me happy. Take that 34!

34. Milkshakes.
33. Blockbuster online.
32. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
31. Grilling out at Illingworth Manor.
30. Tivo'd episodes of The Hulk - seventies style.
29. Nieces.
28. Seeing the look on a new friend's face when they learn I was in the handbell choir.
27. Growing my own flowers.
26. The Wii.
25. And Wii Fit.
24. And Dr. Mario on the Wii.
23. And a husband who introduces me to such things.
24. Edy's Slow Churned.
23. Time off.
22. Friends who get it.
21. Minnie Dog chasing flies.
20. Buying in bulk.
19. Loose fat jeans.
18. Coke Zero.
17. Ryan's laugh.
16. Happy Birthday voicemails.
15. Ryan's giftwrapping skills.
14. The new privacy fence.
13. That 2008 is half over.
12. Vacation anticipation.
11. Gift Cards.
10. Family.
9. Super Target down the street.
8. Strawberry Lemonade
7. Cheetos - all natural.
6. Hugs.
5. Air conditioning.
4. Having enough.
3. Hope, even in the midst of extreme heartache.
2. Love, even when I'm hard to be with.
1. Ryan.

I cried a lot this weekend. Cried a lot today. But I know this is only a season, only a blip in what I hope is a long and happy life. And truly, I'm much more than a number. Much more than 34. I'm Thirty Fortunate.

Signs

#1 - I can't seem to watch anything but Top Chef without crying. Seems like every movie, TV show, infomercial and dirty reality farce has some sort of baby storyline aimed directly at my ovaries.

#2 - A year ago my sister-in-law gave me a bracelet that had gotten her through some "will it ever happen for me" roughness. It's a silver link bracelet inscribed with the verse from Matthew that says "Ask and Ye Shall Receive". It was an amazingly thoughtful gesture and I immediately put it around the gear shift in my car so I would see it every day, partly for the message and mostly to remember that there are those who understand. And who love me. This afternoon I got into my car to leave work and noticed that the links were scattered around the gear shift. Apparently the interior bands holding the links together had dissolved into nothingness. And ok, it's been hot lately. Sure, it's been so hot my flip-flops have nearly melted while watering my roses. Yes, it's been August-in-Miami, seventh-level-of-hell, Graham-from-The-Bachelorette HOT. But. I had no idea it was hot enough to melt wishes and dreams.

#3 - I ran into an old (and dear!) friend at Costco with her gorgeous (gorgeous!) 3 year old daughter. Upon seeing me, her daughter said, "Where's your baby?"



Where indeed.