Storm Tracker 2008

So ok, things are still a bit...ugh times three. 2008 and I are still in a standoff, neither of us willing to budge from our respective corners. Neither of us willing to give the other any credit, instead just seething at each other and making empty threats. My sick friends are still sick. My heartbroken friends are still heartbroken. Writers are still on strike. We still don’t know who Jacob is. Work is still work. And Madam Vaginismus still has her claws imbedded deep into my marital social life. Never mind the fact that it’s raining babies everywhere I look. What is up with all the babies? Of course, maybe it’s like being on a diet. The second you decide no more fries! you see five commercials an hour about hot, salty, glorious fries. Maybe I wouldn’t notice all the babies if I weren’t so ready to have one. Also, if there weren’t so many. Seriously, I’ve had seventeen friends give birth recently. That’s double digits, ya’ll. If you’re trying to get pregnant, come and sit next to me. Every woman in my general vicinity is guaranteed to be great with child before I can even ovulate. Except that lately I’m not ovulating at all. And in case you’re counting, that’s two strikes. And that’s enough for me...I’m out.

It feels a bit like a hamster wheel...running and running towards something that just isn’t there. Striving and searching and hoping in general. But the badness continues to pile up. And up. These days my friends and I are getting stuck on the giant life questions – what does it all mean? Why doesn’t God answer prayer? Why doesn’t my husband want to love me anymore? Why can’t I get pregnant? Why did I get cancer so young? Why are some things so easy for others and so hard for me?

Last night a line of storms came through Tennessee bringing with them all the rage and anger that feels appropriate for this time of year. During the first line of storms a tornado touched down at my old college campus and completely destroyed some of the dorms. Looking through photos of the wreckage I saw that my old dorm room was one of the worst hit. A room that has always held such significance for me. I feel like I grew up there, became who I am today. Discovered the world and my small place in it. That room was my jumping off place. And now it’s gone. A storm came through and wiped clean any evidence of my time there.

In some ways, I wish a tornado could roar through my current state and wipe the slate clean. Rip the roof off and let everything just...fly.

Just go.