Fill In The.....

A couple of weeks ago something bad happened. I haven't talked about it here, or really anywhere, because I'm not sure what to say exactly. The few people I have told about it are also not sure what to say exactly. They agree that something happened. And that it was bad. But other than that we all sit around saying "hmmmm" a lot and wondering silently about bad things and that they sometimes happen.

Summary: After several months of frustrations, none of which had anything to do with me, a certain person that I work with on a very regular basis unleashed hell. On me. He verbally assaulted me and physically threatened me and the whole thing ended with several other guys pulling him off of me. It might be obvious, but this sort of thing doesn't happen to me. Ever. Not even close. I've never been screamed at in such a way, never felt like I was about to be punched. Hard. By someone I have known and worked with and trusted for years. Afterwards, after the initial hours of crying and freaking out, I felt........blank.

I've seen the sad stories of battered women on Oprah and Dr. Phil and Channel 4 News. Women who are screamed at and hit every single day*. Most of the time, these women look blank. And I've always wondered to myself why they don't fight back, why they don't scream in rage and throw a punch and get the heck out. Why they always seem so.......blank.

Last night on Grey's Anatomy Meredith was blasted by her father. Her estranged father that wasn't a part of her life until recently. Her father that left her mother and potentially did the right thing since Meredith's mother was so over the top overbearing and mean and crazy and adulterous. Her father that she recently kinda sorta reconnected with and then met his wife who tried to be BFF with Meredith even though Meredith wasn't all that into it. The same part-time-step-mom who last episode died under Meredith's care. He screamed at her (publicly) and said things that can't be forgotten. Things that hurt. Things that can change a person. And she didn't fight back. She didn't say one word.

I wonder why that is. I wonder why some of us retreat when attacked. I wonder why a fiesty woman, a strong woman, a confidant woman, an any kind of woman would be rattled to the point of ....well, nothing. No words or emotions or reaction. Before The Incident a few weeks ago, I would have told you exactly what I would have done. How I would have given that guy what for and defended myself and blah blah on and on. But in the moment - I was blank.

And yes, I just wrote a post about a fictional character on a fictional TV show and how I can identify with her and her feelings. It happens.



*Please know that I am not in any way comparing my incident to what a battered woman goes through. Not in any way at all. What happened to me was not even 0.05% of what they go through. There is no comparison. I think you get my drift. My ordeal = tiny. Their daily life = horrifying.