Reason #248

Reason #248 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:
Last night Ryan said, “If I ever do anything stupid in our marriage, just remember, I’m only doing it to give you something to write about.”

The Human Sparkler

I like friends who like birthdays (and this means that if I was my own friend, I would like myself). My roommate Jen LOVES birthdays, especially her own. Yesterday Karina and I sent her on a scavenger hunt around the house to hunt for her present – and it might be the most fun I’ve had in recent days. Jen is a human sparkler…she glistens and pops and makes you smile. And she doesn’t care if you want her to sparkle or not, she just does. She doesn’t care if you want a hug or not, she gives you one. She’s effervescent, like a Sprite or an Alka-Seltzer. She has a great laugh. She hates feet on feet and she loves hummus and feasts in the mid-afternoon. Her birthday scavenger hunt yesterday consisted of her running from the kitchen to her room, from her room to the freezer in the kitchen, from the freezer to the dryer in the basement, from the dryer to the mailbox outside, and then from the mailbox back to the kitchen. Her first clue was a kiddie diary with a lock and no key. The whole hunt made her look for the key so she could open the dairy and find her real birthday present. While this might all sound ok and ho-hum to some, Jen shrieked and panicked and ran like a mad woman through the house looking for her diary key. And that’s why I like Jen. And her birthday.
So, Happy Birthday my friend Jen. There is none other like you. And I like that.

Make Sure You're Pretty

My face is breaking out. I am thirty years old and my face is breaking out. I know it’s from stress. I know it’s because I’m not eating a balanced diet (have I ever?). I know it’s just a sign of my current state – planning a wedding, buying a house, putting out eight records, working on a married budget, trying to make everyone happy, learning how to argue with my fiancé, deciding how the invitations should be worded, meeting with the caterer, shopping for homeowner’s insurance, canceling utilities and hooking up utilities, ordering suits for the groomsmen, getting Ryan’s pants altered for my brother’s wedding in 23 days, renting a car for my brother’s wedding, picking up my wedding dress and hoping there's enough money in the bank to pay for it, planning sales conference, GMA, needing to buy a refrigerator and hoping there’s enough money in the bank, hiring a moving truck and hoping there’s enough money in the bank, answering 100 work emails a day, not getting enough sleep…blah blah blah. Over Easter I had a giant red flaming zit on my chin. My mom saw it (as did the old blind people across the street) and said “WHAT are you going to DO if this happens for your WEDDING?????” [insert shock, horror and general discomfort including pointing and gasping] I looked at her blankly and said, “I guess I’ll just be ugly.” But secretly I thought – WHAT am I going to DO if this happens for my WEDDING?? The stress to be beautiful is getting to me. Everyone says that your wedding day is when you look your most beautiful. Meaning out of every long day of your long life – this is the one day when you’re supposed to look the absolute best ever. Well, what if I don’t measure up? Everyone expects me to look gorgeous and other-worldly, but what if I just look like me wearing a fancy dress? What if my hair doesn’t quite work out and I have a huge zit (or seven) and I don’t have toned arms or radiantly white straight teeth? I read my wedding to-do checklist as prescribed by theknot.com and now they are saying things like ‘be sure and exercise” and “drink lots of water” and “start getting facials and manicures”. This seems to scream at me MAKE SURE YOU’RE PRETTY as if the wedding will be a big waste of time and money otherwise.

The Green Monster

I've always heard that money is the ultimate #1 thing that couples fight about and divorce over. Whenever this fact was announced, I always smirked to myself and thought "that will never be me! I will compromise! I will adjust! We will never fight about money! NEVER!!!!!!"

Now.....I'm not so sure.

Agent Jack Bauer

If you're not watching 24 every Monday night on Fox - you should be. And if you haven't seen seasons 1 through 3 and aren't running right out to rent them and watch fervantly with great anticipation and anxiety - you should be. What's wrong with you?

Snooze

I’ve realized that I have my best dreams during the nine minute snooze I enjoy every morning. The kind of dreams that stay with you all day and can sometimes make you laugh right out loud (which also causes people to stare at you). I like dreams. This means I set my alarm for a normal wake-up time, but I hit snooze just enough times to be able to jump out of bed, shower in five minutes and rush to work with wet hair. I usually hit snooze three or four times (on a good day – sometimes it’s more). But isn’t it worth it to have good dreams?
There’s one problem.
My fiancé informed me that he does hit snooze – ever. This is really going to cramp my style.

Compare and Contrast

I know there are others who might envy my life. I have a publishing deal. I work for a record company. I have a deliciously incredible fiancé who lights up my face. I have parents who are still married and are still in love. I have enough of everything I could ever want or need.
But.
Lately I see women my age (or younger!) who have achieved things I can’t imagine. Who seem like true adults. You know, that image of “adult” that you created as a child. My image is a woman in a blue business suit with a white blouse who uses big girl words and is never silly or trite. She can cook fancy meals that I can’t even spell, knows how to get her car fixed when it breaks down, uses complete sentences when she writes intelligent exposes and never ever leaves the house without lipstick. If she’s unmarried, she would date a man, not a boy. She would dine, not drive-thru. She would relax, not hang out.
The other day I came across just such a woman. Someone successful and classy and able. Someone who can command a room full of adults and still look smart and savvy. Someone younger than me. It made me feel immature and small. Seems like I always thought that in order to be a true grown-up, I would need to be wearing the suit and have the lipstick and know how to “unwind”.
I guess maybe I’ll never grow up. Because I like to laugh and be silly. I like to hang out and drive-thru. I don’t own any lipstick. I like to wear flip-flops every…single…day. I don’t own a business suit. I don’t know how to cook coq au vin.
But I can make crusted honey mustard chicken. I can speak French. I can touch my tongue to the tip of my nose. Does that count?

Requirements for a Good Song

These are my requirements for a good song:

1. Claps
2. Yeahs
3. A loud powerful chorus that I can sing along to at the top of my lungs
4. Oooohs
5. Aaaahs

Call Me Nancy Drew

It’s a rainy Friday and I find myself looking out my office window wondering where the sun went. Our office building is small, so I pretty much know all the cars in the parking lot. A few minutes ago, an unfamiliar tan SUV was parked outside my window. I noticed a young woman (although older than me) pull up in her own SUV. She hurridly jumped out of her car with an orange greeting card envelope in her hand. She tried shoving the envelope in the driver side window of the tan SUV but it kept falling out – so she jammed it into the top of the window, looked right and left, jumped in her getaway car and sped away. Due to all the shoving, I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Understandably, I got up from my desk to try and make out what was written on the envelope. I thought, “maybe she’s engaged, like me, and she’s leaving a cute card for her fiancé! Awwwwww…….” I couldn’t tell what was written on the envelope – but I could see a big heart drawn on the front.
Moments later…..
A balding middle-aged man approached the tan SUV. Noticing the bright orange envelope, he looked right and then left, and then opened the card right under my watchful second floor eyes. He smiled. He reached for his cell phone to call someone, while wearing a gold wedding band. My heart sank. Was this all part of some ILLICIT AFFAIR!!!! DOESN’T ANYONE STAY FAITHFUL ANYMORE???? WHERE HAVE ALL THE FAITHFUL MEN GONE??? IS THERE HOPE FOR ANY OF US??? I wanted to run downstairs and ask Balding SUV what he was all smiles about. Demand to know what this was all about. Shout at him about love and commitment and honesty. I saw myself, red faced and agitated while he (no doubt) tried to escape from my clutches – all the while the background music playing “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with….” I imagined him driving away while I shook my fist and cried out “ADULTERER!!!!!!!”
But…
Then I realized maybe it WAS his wife. Maybe it was his daughter. Maybe it was his secretary and he’s having an illicit affair. Maybe it’s none of my business. Maybe I should get back to work.

Just One

I just want to get ONE full night's sleep. JUST ONE. JUST ONE NIGHT WITHOUT ANY INTERRUPTION. Is that so wrong?