I'm watching Nashville's news leader Channel 4 News with Dan Miller and Demetria Kaladimos. Suddenly (and uncomfortably) they are talking about Dustin Diamond and his sex tape. You might know Dustin by his former persona, Screech Powers from Saved By the Bell. That's right...Screech has a sex tape. Eww. But then Demetria says something I just might qualify as my favorite news comment ever. With great severity and sincere news-reporter-ish-ness, Demetria looks into the camera and poses this question to all of Middle Tennessee:
"What would Mr. Belding think?"
Indeed.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Thinking.....Or Something
There are reasons for post rareness here at The Glamorous Life. Reasons for my silence. My disregard. But I've missed you.
I'm still not sure what exactly it is that I should be saying. Maybe I'll give you a brief run down of the last few weeks. You can then deduce for yourself why I've been so silent.
-Someone close to me lost a second pregnancy - a pregnancy I didn't even know about until it was gone and yet I cried like it was my own.
-Three friends told me they were pregnant.
-One is expecting twins.
-My health problem-whatever-it-is-that-I-still-won't-fully-disclose still looms large. Still overshadows me. Still has an unimaginable grip on me.
-It makes me feel hopeless.
-My beautiful sister-in-law got married in the most beautiful dress with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
-I beat Ryan at Dr. Mario.
-Twice.
-I was in Lexington when that plane crashed and all those people died. Some of the family members of the crash victims were in our hotel and we witnessed them hearing the news. It's an experience I don't want to think about ever again.
-9/11
-Minnie Dog got a shocking haircut.
-A close friend lost her mother.
-I kicked myself for not filling out that Do or No Deal application.
-Ryan got a new job making more money with better hours and better treatment.
-I struggled between deciding which season premier to watch: The Biggest Loser or America's Next Top Model.....read into that what you will.
-I had to tell more people that my publisher dumped me. More gasps. More Bless-Your-Hearts.
-I quit physical therapy for my Plantar Fasciitis.
-I lost twelve pounds.
-A large, hairy and sweaty man in my office cornered me by the bathrooms and stood so close to me he almost sweat directly onto my face.
I guess the answer to my weirdness doesn't lie in the list. Truth is, I just haven't had it in me to post anything, even anything ridiculous. Good things happen and bad things happen and at the end of the day there's nothing left for me to say I guess.
I guess.
I'm still not sure what exactly it is that I should be saying. Maybe I'll give you a brief run down of the last few weeks. You can then deduce for yourself why I've been so silent.
-Someone close to me lost a second pregnancy - a pregnancy I didn't even know about until it was gone and yet I cried like it was my own.
-Three friends told me they were pregnant.
-One is expecting twins.
-My health problem-whatever-it-is-that-I-still-won't-fully-disclose still looms large. Still overshadows me. Still has an unimaginable grip on me.
-It makes me feel hopeless.
-My beautiful sister-in-law got married in the most beautiful dress with the most beautiful smile you've ever seen.
-I beat Ryan at Dr. Mario.
-Twice.
-I was in Lexington when that plane crashed and all those people died. Some of the family members of the crash victims were in our hotel and we witnessed them hearing the news. It's an experience I don't want to think about ever again.
-9/11
-Minnie Dog got a shocking haircut.
-A close friend lost her mother.
-I kicked myself for not filling out that Do or No Deal application.
-Ryan got a new job making more money with better hours and better treatment.
-I struggled between deciding which season premier to watch: The Biggest Loser or America's Next Top Model.....read into that what you will.
-I had to tell more people that my publisher dumped me. More gasps. More Bless-Your-Hearts.
-I quit physical therapy for my Plantar Fasciitis.
-I lost twelve pounds.
-A large, hairy and sweaty man in my office cornered me by the bathrooms and stood so close to me he almost sweat directly onto my face.
I guess the answer to my weirdness doesn't lie in the list. Truth is, I just haven't had it in me to post anything, even anything ridiculous. Good things happen and bad things happen and at the end of the day there's nothing left for me to say I guess.
I guess.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
But this one goes to ELEVEN.
Raise your hand if....
...you are so fat you have Plantar Fasciitis in both feet
...and the only reason you are so fat is because it's been a BAD year so you've eaten a lot of ice cream
...and you're not really upset about that
...but you are upset about the fatness
...so you decided to do something about it
...so you joined Weight Watchers
...and gave yourself a goal of losing Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...and for the first week, every time you thought you would cave and eat those heavenly fries you chanted: Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...and during the first two weeks of your diet, while you were chanting Twenty Pounds by Christmas, you lost ELEVEN POUNDS
...so you changed your mantra to Twenty Pounds by Halloween
...you are so fat you have Plantar Fasciitis in both feet
...and the only reason you are so fat is because it's been a BAD year so you've eaten a lot of ice cream
...and you're not really upset about that
...but you are upset about the fatness
...so you decided to do something about it
...so you joined Weight Watchers
...and gave yourself a goal of losing Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...and for the first week, every time you thought you would cave and eat those heavenly fries you chanted: Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...Twenty Pounds by Christmas
...and during the first two weeks of your diet, while you were chanting Twenty Pounds by Christmas, you lost ELEVEN POUNDS
...so you changed your mantra to Twenty Pounds by Halloween
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Posts: An Explanation
And now...the top three reasons why I haven't written anything lately.
#1 - I
#2 - Simply
#3 - Cannot
#1 - I
#2 - Simply
#3 - Cannot
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sasha: Not the Ice Skater
Here's Ryan and Sasha....World's Smallest Dog. I'm not sure why she looks so freaked....Ryan is the only one she likes. Including The Duck.
This is my hand next to Sasha. And no, I don't have giant man-hands. She's just that tiny.
See?
Sometimes Sasha and Minnie get along.
Sometimes they do not.
Sasha is not a new member of Illingworth Manor, she's just been hanging with us for a few weeks while her mom Karina takes care of her mom Myra. My favorite part of this arrangement is watching Ryan walk Sasha the Tiny down the street. He almost looks....sassy.
And here's a picture of Minnie laughing....I hope it makes you as happy as it does me.
This is my hand next to Sasha. And no, I don't have giant man-hands. She's just that tiny.
See?
Sometimes Sasha and Minnie get along.
Sometimes they do not.
Sasha is not a new member of Illingworth Manor, she's just been hanging with us for a few weeks while her mom Karina takes care of her mom Myra. My favorite part of this arrangement is watching Ryan walk Sasha the Tiny down the street. He almost looks....sassy.
And here's a picture of Minnie laughing....I hope it makes you as happy as it does me.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
21 We've Just Begun
I could say I've been too busy to write lately...and that would be true.
I could say I've had tons of company at my house and work has been crazy and my kitchen was flooded with a sudden tsunami of soapy water that took three hours to clean up....and that would be true.
I could say I've just been too sad to write...and that would be the most true. Nobody wants to read Sad Jo. I don't want to read Sad Jo. I want to read Happy Jo.....I want to BE Happy Jo. But these days it's too hard to fake. So instead of going on and on and on about the downward spiral I'm currently spinning...I'll do a meme! Hooray!!
Meme stolen from the luminous Hula. Hers is more interesting than mine will be.
Are you still reading? Sucker.......
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
Dull sequels, stale 'toons, comic-book tales and unexciting laughfests: to paraphrase The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy, "worst summer movie season ever."
-Entertainment Weekly: Issue #891
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do you touch first?
Minnie Dog - currently lying on her back with all four paws straight in air. She's asleep.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I'm watching America's Got Talent right now. Some of these people have oodles of talent. Some of them have oodles of guts to perform on national TV when they suck so terribly. (Also...if you were going to dance on national TV in a twirly skirt....wouldn't you realize that all of America was going to see your underwear? And wouldn't you then try to wear cute underwear?)
4. Without looking, what time is it?
8:15
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
8:04 (always rushing....)
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
David Hasselhoff's blah blah blah blah.....he is a strange strange man.
7. When did you last go outside?
When I got home from work. I took Minnie Dog out to potty. Then she got a treat. I'm considering adopting this policy for myself....anytime I use the potty...I get a treat.
8. What are you wearing?
White t-shirt under a blue t-shirt and grey pajama pants. And socks. Which is odd because I never wear socks.
9. When did you last laugh?
At dinner with Ryan...I was regaling him with tales of all the funny girls from work....and I giggled right out loud. But I need to laugh again so please tell me a joke.
10. Seen anything weird lately?
Yes, most of the acts from America's Got Talent. And that email from CNN News that said they arrested a man in Thailand today suspected in Jean Benet Ramsey's murder. And my own nudity.
11. What did you dream last night?
That I was fat free.
12. What's on the walls of the room you're in?
Picture frames and more picture frames. And a giant mirror (for viewing the nudity). And more frames.
13. What do you think of this survey?
I think it's a good way to blog without telling the truth about what's really going on. I mean.....it's fun.
14. What's the last film you saw?
Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. And I'll say, I laughed. Sometimes I even laughed really loud. But it was no Anchorman. But then again, what is. (I'm in a glass cage of emotions!)
15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Better nudity. And debt-free-ness. And a boyfriend for Minnie Dog. And jeans.
16. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have a degree in French. I talk sexy real good.
But some of you know that sooo..........the word "podcast" gives me the heebie jeebies. And in my line of work, I have to say that word and respond to that word many many times a day. Therefore, my days are filled with heebs and jeebs.
17. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
Selfishness. It's the root of all evil.
18. Do you like to dance?
Yes. Unless you mean country line dancing...and then I would have to say no. No I do not.
19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Pegasus, of course. Because there's nothing better than saying "Is this Pegasus's sweater?" "Are you Pegasus's sister?"
20. Boy?
Ed.
21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes? No. Yes. No. Will there be treats?
Goodnight.
I could say I've had tons of company at my house and work has been crazy and my kitchen was flooded with a sudden tsunami of soapy water that took three hours to clean up....and that would be true.
I could say I've just been too sad to write...and that would be the most true. Nobody wants to read Sad Jo. I don't want to read Sad Jo. I want to read Happy Jo.....I want to BE Happy Jo. But these days it's too hard to fake. So instead of going on and on and on about the downward spiral I'm currently spinning...I'll do a meme! Hooray!!
Meme stolen from the luminous Hula. Hers is more interesting than mine will be.
Are you still reading? Sucker.......
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says.
Dull sequels, stale 'toons, comic-book tales and unexciting laughfests: to paraphrase The Simpsons' Comic Book Guy, "worst summer movie season ever."
-Entertainment Weekly: Issue #891
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do you touch first?
Minnie Dog - currently lying on her back with all four paws straight in air. She's asleep.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
I'm watching America's Got Talent right now. Some of these people have oodles of talent. Some of them have oodles of guts to perform on national TV when they suck so terribly. (Also...if you were going to dance on national TV in a twirly skirt....wouldn't you realize that all of America was going to see your underwear? And wouldn't you then try to wear cute underwear?)
4. Without looking, what time is it?
8:15
5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
8:04 (always rushing....)
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
David Hasselhoff's blah blah blah blah.....he is a strange strange man.
7. When did you last go outside?
When I got home from work. I took Minnie Dog out to potty. Then she got a treat. I'm considering adopting this policy for myself....anytime I use the potty...I get a treat.
8. What are you wearing?
White t-shirt under a blue t-shirt and grey pajama pants. And socks. Which is odd because I never wear socks.
9. When did you last laugh?
At dinner with Ryan...I was regaling him with tales of all the funny girls from work....and I giggled right out loud. But I need to laugh again so please tell me a joke.
10. Seen anything weird lately?
Yes, most of the acts from America's Got Talent. And that email from CNN News that said they arrested a man in Thailand today suspected in Jean Benet Ramsey's murder. And my own nudity.
11. What did you dream last night?
That I was fat free.
12. What's on the walls of the room you're in?
Picture frames and more picture frames. And a giant mirror (for viewing the nudity). And more frames.
13. What do you think of this survey?
I think it's a good way to blog without telling the truth about what's really going on. I mean.....it's fun.
14. What's the last film you saw?
Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. And I'll say, I laughed. Sometimes I even laughed really loud. But it was no Anchorman. But then again, what is. (I'm in a glass cage of emotions!)
15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Better nudity. And debt-free-ness. And a boyfriend for Minnie Dog. And jeans.
16. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I have a degree in French. I talk sexy real good.
But some of you know that sooo..........the word "podcast" gives me the heebie jeebies. And in my line of work, I have to say that word and respond to that word many many times a day. Therefore, my days are filled with heebs and jeebs.
17. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change?
Selfishness. It's the root of all evil.
18. Do you like to dance?
Yes. Unless you mean country line dancing...and then I would have to say no. No I do not.
19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Pegasus, of course. Because there's nothing better than saying "Is this Pegasus's sweater?" "Are you Pegasus's sister?"
20. Boy?
Ed.
21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes? No. Yes. No. Will there be treats?
Goodnight.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
If It Ain't Broke
Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts to the opera and she's looking very unprostitutional wearing The Jewels and The Dress. Remember when they're sitting in the opera box and Richard hands Julia a pair of opera glasses and she keeps trying to hold them up to her eyes but they keep flopping around and she can't quite figure it out. "They're broken. My glasses are broken..." she says. Richard leans over and turns the glasses the correct (and obvious) way. "Oh" she says.
Ryan and I have become quite good at having "oh" moments. First there was the garbage disposal incident that made us both feel like complete incompetents. Then a few weeks ago Ryan's car got smashed. He took it to the auto body shop and they fixed it right up. Except for the radio. After Ryan got his car back he noticed the radio no longer worked. All of the stations were fuzzy. "It's broken. My radio is broken..." he said. He took the car back to the auto body shop where they promptly....raised the antenna. The antenna that had been lowered while they worked on the car. Oh.
Then today at lunch I commented to Ryan how our favorite talk radio station had gone off the air. He said he hadn't noticed? I said, yes, since last week I haven't been able to get the station to come in. "It's broken. Something at the station must be broken...." I said. So Ryan went out to my car and adjusted my antenna that was apparently bumped when I had new tires put on last week. And magically...the station came in clear as a pregnancy test. Oh.
I can only imagine what will happen if we ever have a child.
THIS JUST IN: Sorry to report, but I am not pregnant. I also did not mean to give off the vibe that I was....I guess my subconscious leaked out onto my blog.
Ryan and I have become quite good at having "oh" moments. First there was the garbage disposal incident that made us both feel like complete incompetents. Then a few weeks ago Ryan's car got smashed. He took it to the auto body shop and they fixed it right up. Except for the radio. After Ryan got his car back he noticed the radio no longer worked. All of the stations were fuzzy. "It's broken. My radio is broken..." he said. He took the car back to the auto body shop where they promptly....raised the antenna. The antenna that had been lowered while they worked on the car. Oh.
Then today at lunch I commented to Ryan how our favorite talk radio station had gone off the air. He said he hadn't noticed? I said, yes, since last week I haven't been able to get the station to come in. "It's broken. Something at the station must be broken...." I said. So Ryan went out to my car and adjusted my antenna that was apparently bumped when I had new tires put on last week. And magically...the station came in clear as a pregnancy test. Oh.
I can only imagine what will happen if we ever have a child.
THIS JUST IN: Sorry to report, but I am not pregnant. I also did not mean to give off the vibe that I was....I guess my subconscious leaked out onto my blog.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Thinking: Fiction
The record company I work for was recently bought out by a larger (read: Ginormous) company which means I now work in a big building full of people. For the past five years I've worked in a small building with few people, all of which knew all of my stories. Now that I'm in the new shiny building with the all the new shiny people, all of my stories are new and interesting. Or...at least new. I forget sometimes that I've had a semi-crazy life - but I'm reminded when my new friends say "YOU WHAT?" Let's review....
1. Met a guy in Maine via a close friend.
2. Fell in love with said guy
3. Got engaged to said guy
4. Gave up fabulous life in Nashville and moved to Maine to marry said guy
5. Said guy dumped me weeks before our wedding
6. Moved back to Nashville with my head hanging low
7. Got a publishing deal by accident
8. Wrote a book about Said Guy in Maine and how he broke my heart
9. Turned thirty
10. Kissed the intern who was eight years my junior (and still a college student at the time)
11. Fell in love with the intern
12. Married the intern
The other day, someone mentioned that I should write a novel loosely (or closely) based on my life from that past few years. I laughed. Then I thought....a novel? Could I do that?
I know some of you who read this blog are writers....so I'm asking. Do you think it ridiculous to attempt such a feat with no formal training as far as fiction goes? I mean, I have a manuscript (non-fiction) already written.....so doing this would mean chucking it and starting over. REALLY starting over.
But...it could be fun.
Or a nightmare.
Or insane.
Or awesome.
So let's hear it...reasons why I should/should not try my hand at fiction.
1. Met a guy in Maine via a close friend.
2. Fell in love with said guy
3. Got engaged to said guy
4. Gave up fabulous life in Nashville and moved to Maine to marry said guy
5. Said guy dumped me weeks before our wedding
6. Moved back to Nashville with my head hanging low
7. Got a publishing deal by accident
8. Wrote a book about Said Guy in Maine and how he broke my heart
9. Turned thirty
10. Kissed the intern who was eight years my junior (and still a college student at the time)
11. Fell in love with the intern
12. Married the intern
The other day, someone mentioned that I should write a novel loosely (or closely) based on my life from that past few years. I laughed. Then I thought....a novel? Could I do that?
I know some of you who read this blog are writers....so I'm asking. Do you think it ridiculous to attempt such a feat with no formal training as far as fiction goes? I mean, I have a manuscript (non-fiction) already written.....so doing this would mean chucking it and starting over. REALLY starting over.
But...it could be fun.
Or a nightmare.
Or insane.
Or awesome.
So let's hear it...reasons why I should/should not try my hand at fiction.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Be Fri vs. st ends
I just read on Amazon a new review of my first book. Here's my favorite quote from that review:
However, I did have a couple of minor issues. First, it was a bit much to read about how absolutely perfect her girlfriends are. I'm glad she has some solid comrades, since that fits with her advocation of community for bearing one's burdens. But c'mon - everybody's screwed up some way, and it bugs me to see folks portrayed as so great that Christ could've outsourced His crucifixion to them. That bit of sugarcoating detracted from the book's honesty.
Guess what I say to that? HOGWASH.
My friends are consistantly the lights of my life. So much so that tonight I cried at Bunco. You should know, there's no crying in Bunco. But. My friends, some of which are the very same ones I talked about in my book, all of which I COULD have talked about in my book because they are THAT SUGARCOATED AWESOME.....those same friends took time out tonight to pray for me and my struggling heart. Because they are selfless and know what friendship really means.
And...
As I was sobbing and it was awkward and no one knew what to say, Angela said:
"Yaaaa'llll....did ya'll know that some people don't have tear ducts?? It's truuuuueeeeee."
My friends can beat up your friends.
However, I did have a couple of minor issues. First, it was a bit much to read about how absolutely perfect her girlfriends are. I'm glad she has some solid comrades, since that fits with her advocation of community for bearing one's burdens. But c'mon - everybody's screwed up some way, and it bugs me to see folks portrayed as so great that Christ could've outsourced His crucifixion to them. That bit of sugarcoating detracted from the book's honesty.
Guess what I say to that? HOGWASH.
My friends are consistantly the lights of my life. So much so that tonight I cried at Bunco. You should know, there's no crying in Bunco. But. My friends, some of which are the very same ones I talked about in my book, all of which I COULD have talked about in my book because they are THAT SUGARCOATED AWESOME.....those same friends took time out tonight to pray for me and my struggling heart. Because they are selfless and know what friendship really means.
And...
As I was sobbing and it was awkward and no one knew what to say, Angela said:
"Yaaaa'llll....did ya'll know that some people don't have tear ducts?? It's truuuuueeeeee."
My friends can beat up your friends.
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