Show Me That Smile Again

So you remember that I recently caught our backyard neighbors celebrating their marital love in their hot tub. I was walking Minnie Dog after work one hot afternoon when I heard a strange splashing sound and wouldn't you know it, Big Al and Mrs. Big Al were participating in some afternoon/early evening delight. It was that day that I told Ryan I didn't care how much it cost, we were getting a privacy fence.

Since the privacy fence has been in place, things have been glorious. I have heard strange splashings, but the point is that I haven't had to SEE anything. My retinas are no longer subject to being burned by the vision of Al's back hair waving in the evening breeze.

Cut to tonight and the annual company picnic at the Nashville Sounds baseball game. Ryan was working so I went to the picnic solo. By the time I left it was dark and the Sounds stadium isn't in the safest of neighborhoods and my car was parked in the back 40 of the furthest parking lot from the back of the last aisle way in the back. It was far. As I walked through the rows of cars listening for any sounds other than the crunch of gravel under my flip-flops, singing the theme song to Growing Pains in my head, I saw them.

Two teenagers.
In the back of a pick-up truck.
Doing things teenagers shouldn't be doing.

People, I can't put a privacy fence around my face.

Miss Manners

What’s the etiquette when running into your gastrointernologist at the Costco gas station? There he is, wearing his doctor scrubs and his gold nugget bracelet, gasing up his Porsche, probably just back from peering into some poor sap’s colon with his mile long scope of death. Do you walk over and say hello? Maybe show him your backside so he recognizes you?
Hey Dr. King! How’s business? Seen any ulcerative colitis lately? Colon cancer on the rise? What’s that? You haven’t seen any colons as nice as mine? Oh Dr. King, you charmer! We should have you over for a BBQ!

Omen

You know it's going to be a good day when the lawn mower dies, the rear tires on your car are "dangerously bald, seriously, I'm surprised you're still alive", the DVD player dies and one of the posts on your brand new fence is cracked and leaning causing the gate to bend. Oh, and also, you discover that you accidentally wore a "hootchie" shirt to work.

Good times.

Wii Fit: A Conversation

Wii Fit Board: Oh my, hello there!

Me: Here we go.

WFB: It's Jo, right? I almost forgot, it's been so long!

Me: I know, I've been pretty busy.

WFB: Busy doing what, ordering Value Meal #2 every day?

Me: NO! I've just had a lot going on.

WFB: My, my, you must have! You know, the best way to lose weight is to exercise every day!

Me: Yeah, I know. I've had a lot of stuff going on. Stuff! A lot of stuff!

WFB: I can hardly imagine! The fall TV lineup hasn't started yet, what else is it that you do exactly? I know! How about a quick body test?

Me: Fine.

(I step onto the board which subsequently winces.)

WFB: You've gained weight! Big surprise! Did you know that overeating and no exercise leads to weight gain! How about a fitness tip?

Me: Oh brother, here we go...

WFB: If you want to lose weight, try not to eat so many cookies. Since you're so fat, how about another fitness tip?

Me: Why not, I still have one small shred of dignity left.

WFB: If you don't want people to see you and think they've seen a beached whale, try to eat a vegetable for once! How about another fitness tip?

Me: Look, Wii, I've had a lot going on. I told you. A LOT. I've had things going on that would put hair on your board. Get off my back already.

WFB: Here's a fitness tip, maybe if you carried me around on your back you could lose some of that disgusting fat you have there! How about another fitness tip?

Me: HOW ABOUT I BREAK YOU IN HALF?

WFB: Ok, Jo! Of course, that would require some muscle strength and you don't have any! How about another fitness tip?

Me: HOW ABOUT I HATE YOU AND SHUT-UP RIGHT NOW.

WFB: Ok, Jo! Of course, seething with rage isn't really considered a form of exercise. How about another fitness tip?

Me: .....................

WFB: Picking up a fork is not considered a form of exercise. How about another fitness tip?

Me: WHY I OUGHTA....

WFB: You really oughta think about trying to put the French fries down before you become an unrecognizable blob! How about another fitness tip?

Me: .....................

WFB: Are you still there, Jo? Waiting around won't help that fat go away! How about another fitness tip?

Me:......................

WFB: Oh no, it seems the fat has rendered you speechless!

Me: Well this was fun. I'm gonna go....eat some cookies.

Reason #2

Reason #2 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth:

Because even when I'm being unreasonable and sad and irrational and weeping and silent. Even when I'm inconsolable and irritated. Even when I make it worse. Even when the reason for our sadness is ultimately my fault. Even when hopelessness is whistling through the cracks in my heart so loudly passers by are stopping to stare. Even then. Without hesitation, he says...you're perfect.

The Post Where I Review Dark Knight

A.
Maz.
Ing.

and now...Five Reasons To Move To Kentucky

Don't Read This If You Are Afraid of Grease and Goodness

Several folks have asked me about the bacon wraps featured at The Illingworth Fourth of July Extravaganza. I stole the recipe from The Pioneer Woman but I will list it for you here since I'm a giver. It's so easy even a monkey could do it. Or your husband!

Ingredients:
Club Crackers
Thin-Sliced Bacon
Parmesan Cheese

(Yes really, that's it)

Instructions:
-Open up the package of bacon and slice it down the middle, Moses style.
-Take a Club Cracker and dump 1 teaspoon of Parmesan Cheese on it.
-Wrap one half slice of bacon around the cracker securely.
-Place assembled crackers on a baking sheet with a rack*.
-Bake at 250 for 1 hour and 45 minutes. The Pioneer Woman says to bake them for 2 hours but that was too long for me and mine.
-Prepare for greatness.
-In the event that other people are around when you make these, prepare to run out.
-Also, prepare for them to talk about these weeks later and say things like "I only got one of those bacon things! Why didn't you make more of those! When are you making more of the bacon things?" as happened to me this weekend.
-Also, wear elastic waist pants when eating.

*I did not have something as fancy as a baking sheet with a rack so I put my assembled crackers on a cookie cooling rack on a cookie sheet. Innovation!

For a full recipe with helpful photos, see The Pioneer Woman. That is a link directly to the bacon wraps but I must tell you, I've made quite a few of her recipes and they are always fabulous. In fact, because of her, lots of people think I'm a great cook.

Mmmmmm, bacon.

Why Yes, A New Post! Rub Your Eyes and It Will Still Be Here!

So, some things have happened.

THE FOURTH
The Fourth of July was celebrated in spectacular style at Illingworth Manor. Partly because it marked year three of Illingworth Wedded Bliss and partly because we had a wild party complete with family members and fireworks. I made a ridiculous feast from scratch that was a bit ambitious but also delicious. It included these bacon wraps:



...which very nearly caused my brother-in-law to kiss me on the mouth.

I also made this:



...which can only be described as THE CAKE. Because I made it from scratch. If you're not familiar with the term "scratch" it means three hours of hard labor that result in lower back pain, sore feet, a sweaty brow and the inability to interact with your party people. But also, cute. And delicious.

I made some other stuff too but Ryan was in charge of the camera and was quite selective in what he deemed photo worthy. We have lots of shots of nothing, his thumb, my cute niece not looking at the camera and carpet. But the party was super fun and worth the effort.

ALSO, THE FOURTH
Since we were having a party on the actual 4th, Ryan took me to an anniversary dinner a few days before. And if you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that I adore Ryan to a sickening point. But I'll tell you, at our anniversary dinner he surprised me yet again. You see Ryan isn't one to remember the details. At this moment he couldn't tell you one piece of clothing I own besides "jeans". But while we were sitting at The Cheesecake Factory scanning the menu book of dreams, Ryan casually mentioned the first time we ate a Cheesecake Factory together. And I was stunned because it was a moment I had to think about to remember. A moment that happened before we got together or hung out. A moment before The Kiss. But he remembered. And I gotta say, lately I've been swallowed whole by marriages breaking up around me. And crumbling. And spontaneously combusting. And shattering into a million unrecognizable pieces. And it's shaken me up a little bit...or, a lot. But no matter what is happening around us, I know that for me there are no other fish. He still makes my knees tremble at just the right moments.

SOME GOOD THINGS
-Dolly Parton is singing the new theme song for Target commercials. And I thought I couldn't love Target more! Ya'll, if they bring their return policy up to Bed Bath and Beyond standards I might just move in!
-Last night my friend Angela was telling a funny story from her younger days when she paused to say, "Bless My Heart". Could NOT love her more.
-Illingworth Manor is now surrounded by a hot-tub-blocking privacy fence. Seeing Minnie frolic freely makes it worth every hard earned dollar.
-I was in Orlando on business this week and rode the hotel elevator 24 floors with Kirk Cameron. Just me and him. Me and Mike Seaver, hanging out. I RODE THE ELEVATOR WITH KIRK CAMERON!


SOME BAD THINGS
-While on the 24 Floor Ride with Mike Seaver (the one celebrity whose poster hung on my teenage wall) I didn't say one word. Even when he told me he hoped I felt better soon, I giggled nervously and looked at the floor. HE talked to ME and I said NOTHING.
-I've been sick for the past week with a horrible congestion/sinus/throat plague. On my flight to Orlando I was pretty sure my right eyeball was going to shoot out of my eye socket, never to return.
-While in Orlando I'm pretty sure a 22-year-old blatantly hit on me. Even though I'm married. And I was sick. And grouchy. And totally uncharming and weathered and weary and just plain yuck. I told Ryan about it, confused how someone could (at that moment) find me remotely attractive, and he said YOU'RE A FOX! Now that I think about it, maybe I should have listed this in the batch of Good Things.
-I've been considering hosting a funeral for my creativity. It's been missing for so long no one's even looking for it anymore. The posters I hung around town are now covered up with ads for yard sales and carpooling options.

EDWARD CULLEN
If you've been living under a rock then you might not know about the Twilight book series from Stephanie Meyer. It's a Young Adult series about love and vampires. And I have become completely obsessed. I can't say much more about it for fear of not being able to stop. I LOVE THESE BOOKS. I talk about Edward the Vampire so much Ryan is starting to become jealous. As he should...even Perfect Ryan cannot compete with a romantic vampire.

Also, we're going to see The Dark Knight Sunday night. And tomorrow we're going to see Addison for her one year birthday. These two things should contribute to more Good Things.

Amen.

Because I Love You

...and because watching this video made me laugh SO HARD that several people came to make sure I was ok. And breathing. And I was neither. All the laughs that 2008 has robbed from me came SHOOTING out of my body when I watched this video.

It's funny, is what I'm saying.