Disclosure at Half Mast

Lately I've had a strange peace about TMC. I say strange because this peace is not something I asked for, not something I looked for. I pray for an end, not for endurance. I pray for a resolution, not the ability to soldier on. I pray for something, anything for crying out loud...if I pray at all. TMC normally leaves me feeling constricted. Smothered. Hopeless. Like a misplaced punishment. A guilty verdict even though I'm innocent. So for me, enduring hasn't been an option. I just wanted out. But for the past few days I've just suddenly felt ok with the whole thing. I can think about it and breathe at the same time. I can have a conversation with Ryan about it without my eyes welling up and saying things like "never" and "pointless". It's weird. Unexpected.

And I like it.

And I hope it lasts.

Part of me wonders if God is preparing me to talk about it in my next book. I've been working up a new plan of attack for my next book...and Ryan and I have discussed the possibility of me including my nearly two year struggle with this condition. When it first came up I laughed and told him that I can't even come clean about it on my blog...how am I supposed to write about it in a book! A book my In-Laws would read! And my boss! And hopefully other people! Then I admitted that it could be a help to other people who struggle with the same thing. People who, like me, don't want to talk about it given its sensitive nature. People who could benefit from someone else spilling her guts so they don't have to.

Then Ryan did what Perfect Ryan always does and said the perfect thing. "Yes, it could help other people...but the person it would help the most is you."

Oh right.

That.

It's a scary thing, deciding to deal with something that weighs so heavily. Deciding to lay all my cards out for everyone to see. And judge. And measure. Giving up the one thing that has gripped me so tightly I now take six pills a day....for ulcers. I asked my doctor how long I would need to take these pills and he said, "Maybe for life."

And maybe not.

Illingworth Life Lesson #48

If your dog is fat, there's no one to blame but yourself.

Less Is More

Where have I been, you say?
Sick, I say.
How sick, you say?
So sick...I'll give you two examples that will scare you and cause you to ask no further questions.

How Sick I've Been #1: I went to the doctor. But that's not all, I went to the doctor and got a nice fat prescription. Upon leaving the doctor, I was given a brown paper bag full of samples of my nice fat prescription. Thank you, I said. Upon coming home and opening the brown paper bag full of samples, I noticed something else. Charmin Ultra Cleansing Cloths.

How Sick I've Been #2: It's now been 10 days since my last Diet Coke.

Conversation

The following is direct transcript of the phone conversation I just had with my brother.

Me: Do you know yet?
Him: No, we find out at 3:00 today
M: Well HURRY UP!
H: I know.
M: Are you excited?
H: YES!
M: I think it's a boy.
H: What if it's not a boy OR a girl? What if it's an alien?
M: Then you'll make lots of money.
H: True.
M: So either way, you win.
H: I'm hoping that when we have the ultrasound thing and see the baby that it will be wearing a cape. And they will say "You're having a Batman!" cause that would be cool.
M: Yeah.


UPDATE: It's a Girl!

If this is a race I've lost sight of the bunny

People hate to wait. This is evidenced every single day on my drive home from work. There's too many cars and too few lanes and neverending construction and shifty speed traps and employees just trying to get home already. And me. Seems like at least once a day someone cuts me off coming perilously close to my car. Closer than close. So close I gasp and see a short slide show of my life. Usually this daredevil manages to make it exactly four inches ahead of me. And usually this same daredevil makes it to the exit exactly when I do. And we make it through the light at the exact same time. I bet we even hit our garage doors simultaneously. And yet every day, at 6:10pm, there he is again....taking my life into his hurried hands. Desperate to beat me by at least those four inches. Because to merge lanes early, even to merge on time, means there might be waiting. And people hate to wait.

Me too.

I haven't talked about TMC in a while. Not because it's been resolved but just because I'm over it already. It's now been 21 months. Or twenty months and .... oh who cares. It's been a long time. Chinese water tortue long. And I'm ready to cut someone off so I can get four inches ahead. I'm ready to risk a collision just for the possibility of advancement. Because currently I feel stunted. Like I'm waiting for the opportunity to...wait. There are certain things in my life that can't happen until this issue is resolved. Taken care of. Banished forever. And that's the summary....every day I'm waiting for the chance to wait. Life continues to move around me. In front of me. And I'm still here.

Waiting.

Also, as of today I have SEVEN close friends and family members that are pregnant...five of which are due within four weeks of each other. See what I mean? Life continues.

Also, The Agent called. Left a message. I called back. Left a message. He called back. Left a message. And life continues.

R.I.P. Meredith

Oh Seattle Grace....you've won me back!

What I Am is What I......Was?

I work in the music industry and today during one of those if-this-meeting-goes-on-one-minute-longer-I-will-vomit meetings that we all know and love....one of my co-workers shared a video she had just completed for an artist on her roster. It was for a song called "I'm Not Who I Was" and the entire video was a series of photographs of various people holding up a white board with a message written on it. The first photograph of each person had a description of who they used to be. The second, who they are now. One girl's first photo had her holding up a board that said "Broken", her second said "Mending". One said "Fear" followed by "Free". These people were showing visible representations of who they used to be....and who they are becoming. Who they have become.

As each photograph passed....I found myself coming unglued. Unglued in a meeting where composure is everything.

I couldn't help but wonder - am I who I've always been?
Doubtful.
Worried.
Wavering self-esteem.
Lazy.
Apathetic.
Spiteful.
Angry.
Hopeless.

Time passes and I find myself thinking....will I ever change? I'm a believer in Christ. I believe that his grace has covered a multitude of me. So why do these things, these weights, keep hanging on?

Why do I continue to be who I've always been?

Reason #662

Reason #662 Why I Love Ryan Illingworth.

My phone just rang.
It was Perfect Ryan.
Home Sick.
Coughing and sounding incredibly sick and sad.
He's been home sick all day.
Taking Nyquil.
And sleeping.
I say "How are you feeling sweetie?"
He says "OK. Should I wash colors in cold or warm*?"
I say "WHAT?"
He says "Colors....should I wash them in cold or warm?"
"Stop that" I say "I'll do laundry when I get home!"
"It's ok, I've already got it started" he says.
"What would you like me to cook for dinner?" he adds.
"You're unreal**" I say.



*Maybe the reason he was doing laundry is not because he's perfect but because I'm so imperfect and there are no clean clothes to be had because of my lack of laundry doing. Dang.


**Nope. He's perfect.

And now it's time for The Cuteness - Starring Minnie Dog

Also - here's Ryan - currently sporting the longest known hairs in his 25 years. Last night two of his friends offered to pay him $120 to let them shave it off.

He passed.

He is now sleeping on the couch.

For Make Benefit....

When my first book came out I started up a fancy website cause that’s what you do these days. Anyone who is anyone (famous) has a fancy website. And I was planning to be just such anyone (famous). I had a catchy URL too – joannaharris.com. Impressive, no? I was adding my own name to the World Wide Web. “Watch out world” I said, “I’ve written a book!” My friend Costa designed the site and made a place for email and journal entries and news…..like a real live website ought to have. I was planning to be big time. Preparing for an inbox full of fan mail…or something. It even had a section called “books” for the many many books I would surely be writing. And selling. And signing.

Soooo then....

I lost my book deal. And then I lost my mind for a moment. Slightly. I was kinda-sorta-in-a-way mad at the whole idea. I was mad that I had failed (supposedly) and mad that I had some big fancy website with my big fancy face on it and nothing to really show for it. So instead of paying the monthly hosting fee to keep it up (which originally was supposed to be offset by the famous money I would be famously raking in due to my famous-ness) – I shut it down. I didn’t take much time to think about it. I just sent a one sentence email to “tech support” asking them to discontinue joannaharris.com. And they did. Just like that. And I moved on. Just like that.

Then today….. I got the below email forward from my boss.

-----Original Message-----
From: A fan
Sent: Mon 2/5/2007 9:08 PM
To: Jo’s Boss
Subject: ATT: Joanna Harris

Please advise Ms. Harris that her own website is not accessible at joannaharris.com It takes you to a site of patches that you can sew on your jacket to benefit rescue dogs.
I was hoping to comment on a book she wrote that I just finished reading.
Thanks.
A fan

I guess someone noticed that I wasn’t around.
And then stalked me at my place of business.
And I guess I forgot that some people out there are still reading my book.
And that maybe I shouldn’t give up on things so easily.
And that I’m a dork.
And that my inconsistency has apparently been benefiting rescue dogs.
Amen.